Life Without My Mom

I am able to see the good things in my life that still remain. I am not that far gone, my friends.

I have my daughter, I treasure her every moment of the day.

I made the right choice and was then presented with the gift of my boyfriend, who brings me sunshine, kindness and love…things that I have never had in a romantic relationship before.

I have a handful of loyal friends who haven’t abandoned me in my time of intense sadness. I look up to the heavens and am thankful for their faithful presence in my life.

I’ve felt the touch of God upon my bowed, sorrowful head and have found my faith in Him again, after so many years of traveling on the wrong path filled with evil men and wicked deeds that I readily tolerated.

My life without my mom, it’s something that I always knew would come. When I was younger, the thought would creep into my mind, mostly at bedtime, that one day she would be gone.

The years passed as they do, she turned 60…65…70. I’d roll over and shut my eyes so tightly, until the idea melted away and then I would sleep well in the knowing that in the morning, she would call me like she always did.

Why do I try so hard to pretend that I’m okay when in reality, I am so full of heartache?

My life without my mom, it’s a lonely vista of unspoken emotions, filled with my regrets and my deep desire to hold her again with every cell in my body.

My grief is unbearable.

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It Starts Inside My Head

I’m really good at trying to destroy myself.

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Not with alcohol or drugs. Not by being promiscuous or by acting recklessly.

It all starts inside my head. The voice that whispers that I’m never going to amount to anything much, that I’m just a loser who can’t manage her own life. A woman who can’t even work, for fucks sake, that has to depend on the government and her daughter just to barely survive.

A woman who must have “abuse me” written on her forehead.

I’m free now, but there’s so much damage to sort through, I’m absolutely overwhelmed by it all.

He got to skitter away without a scratch and I cannot even begin to explain how much that pisses me off.

I canceled my doctor appointment earlier this month because I couldn’t get myself to leave the house and face my health (or lack thereof.) I rescheduled and it took everything I had just to show up. It started to rain so hard that the roads instantly began flooding. I started having a panic attack because my brakes are starting to get pretty wonky and I can’t afford to get them fixed right now.

So I just don’t go anywhere unless I absolutely have to or I’m with my boyfriend, usually in his car.

Because of my credit, I’ve been denied for every loan that I’ve applied for, even though it’s gone up 25 points within a year. This fuels the voice in my head that I absolutely suck ass.

I’ve been having the most wicked fibro flare for about two weeks now and it just won’t let go of its grip on me. I wake up each day with the hope that I’ll feel better and I’m so bitterly frustrated when I don’t.

I want to call my mom. I’ll forget sometimes that she’s gone and I’ll reach for my phone. Then the realization hits me hard and I start to cry softly.

I’ve missed two of my grief support groups now and I’m ashamed.

Do I even own a sense of humor anymore? Where did it go?

There are so many ways that you can destroy yourself. In my case, it’s an addiction to feeling like I’m a piece of worthless shit.

Five Signs That You’re Getting Old

I just hit a major milestone recently, turning 45 years old. To some of my friends, I’m still a “baby.” That’s fine, I accept the compliment with a chuckle and a smirk.

But to my daughter and her friends, I’m vintage. Like, I know all of the words to the television theme song “Flipper” and continue to retell the tale of the day when my mom shredded my cassette tape of “Girls, Girls, Girls” because she thought the lyrics were just absolutely filthy.

I find myself saying “back in my day” constantly and like clockwork, my 22 year old rolls her eyes.

“Back in my day…”

She’ll mimic me in a sad attempt to keep me from jumping into my time-machine, which happens to be a 1988 Dodge Omni.

It never works. You can’t stop the passage of time.


Here’s my list of the five signs that you’re getting old.

1. Excitement Over New Appliances

My boyfriend recently bought a new air fryer, so he gave me his old one. He could’ve easily sold it for at least $30, but he decided to change my life instead.

I love this thing. You can cook pretty much anything in this bad boy. Onion rings! Hot Dogs! French Fries! Even burgers!

They come out perfect, like a real fryer but without the oil and mess. Not to mention that it’s healthier because there’s absolutely no greasy residue! If you’re over 40, stop reading this and tell somebody about this modern day miracle.

I’ll wait right here, I need a moment to calm down anyway.

2. You Can Find Song Lyrics To Fit Any Situation

Daughter: Mom, I’m worried that I’ll never find a decent guy.

Me, in a sing-song voice:

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“Que será, será
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que será, será
What will be, will be”

Daughter: Is that the new song by Rihanna?

3. You’re Confused At How Much Things Cost Now

My daughter is on the way to the store to grab some snacks and asks me if I want anything. I reach for my purse and hand her $2.

Me: I want a Kit-Kat, a Coke Zero and a bag of chips, surprise me.

Daughter, looking down at the crumpled dollar bills: Um, mom? This isn’t enough money to buy all of that.

Me: What do you mean? A candy bar costs like 40 cents! Make sure you give me my change back, every penny counts.

4. You Obsess About The Smell Of Your House

I have two dogs and a young adult living in my home.

This combination causes a grand stink to emanate from my condo. Parts of my home are what I declare “odor neutral” like my…well, never mind. There are no parts of my home that don’t smell like shit.

What can I do?

I buy candles when they go on sale. I stock up. As many different scents as possible and I light those bitches up to mask the smell of dog and the dishes that my daughter left in the sink (not rinsed off.)

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Scummy water, my favorite.

The sprays don’t last long enough in my opinion. On occasion, I’ll purchase some of those plug-in oils that cost a small fortune and stick them in my kitchen and bathroom outlets. Yet much to my annoyance I find that the oil has been working so hard to rid my home of funky smells that within days the glass container is almost bone dry and needs changed again.

It’s just this never-ending cycle of stench.

5. You Get Thrilled When You Find A Bargain

There’s a local craft store that is going out of business after many years of providing yarn and popsicle sticks to the masses. Since I now consider myself a jewelry designer, my boyfriend and I decided to stop in the other evening 45 minutes before closing time to see what remnants they had left.

The jewelry section had been clearly picked through, but there were still many cool things left. I saw this amazing sign in bold, black letters:

Buy 3, Get 18 for Free!

Holy fucking cow! I asked my boyfriend if my eyes were deceiving me. He assured me that I wasn’t seeing things, so then began my mad dash to find the best beads and shit in the fastest time possible.

My hands were soon overflowing and silly me, I didn’t grab a basket when we came in because how was I supposed to know that they’d actually have some really great stuff? My boyfriend quickly looked around and found a black hat, so I used it to carry my goodies in.

I was like a kid in a candy store!! I felt giddy and almost fainted with the sheer delight of it all.

I ended up buying around $60 dollars worth of jewelry supplies for $19.27. (After taxes.)

Even a couple of days later, I am still pinching myself. It’s the kind of thing that dreams are made of, you guys.

There ain’t nothing like getting shit for free!

Money does not grow on trees and chocolate milk doesn’t really come from brown cows.

But I think I’m going to just pretend that those things are true because it still makes me feel young at heart.