Kissing 101

Can you tell me what is wrong with this picture?

blowme

In case you need assistance, I will point it out for you. This man, though quite handsome, is an idiot.

Speaking from my own personal standpoint, that dude would have gotten a snowball shoved up his ass if he had tried to pull that blatant demand for selfishness with moi.

I can say this now, because sadly it has happened to me.

I know, awful huh?

Let’s skip the foreplay, baby. Now get down there, you know you want to.

Ladies, I will give you a minute to stop laughing.

My ex was the anti-foreplay king. I was lucky if I got a boob tweak. He didn’t kiss me, claiming to be tongue-tied. (The lamest excuse I have ever heard.) So for the close to 7 years that I was with him, there was absolutely no lip locks to be had. (Not that I really had much desire as the relationship progressed, but that is not the point.)

I’ll give you tongue-tied, you son of a bitch.

Oppsie, sorry about that.

It’s too bad that they don’t have a class in high school that teaches men how to kiss properly. (For us woman, it comes naturally.)

1.Each guy gets a pillow to practice on.

Muah!

2. Check mouth for excess spittle, cause gross.

3. At the same time, make sure there is some moisture to be had. This is very important, because a dry mouth is an un-kissable one.

4. The tongue is used as an accessory, not a probe. If you want to know what we ate for our afternoon snack, just ask. We woman love to talk and share, remember.

5. Keep your eyes open long enough to actually find the pair of lips that you are leaning in for the kill for.

6. Let us do some of the work once in a while. We don’t mind pitching in.

7. Slow down, you move too fast. You gotta make the moment last.

8. Don’t over nibble. The taste of copper pennies is not a turn on, unless you are a vampire. (Sans the sparkles.)

9. You can still breathe from your mouth. Excessive use of the nose for oxygen intake might jar loose a booger.

10. Please don’t belch. Just choke it back.

No need for thanks, gentleman. Just pay it forward.

Ladies, you’re very welcome.

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64 thoughts on “Kissing 101

  1. Number nine. EWWWW.

    Can you add an 11 to this list? Don’t kiss someone when there’s food in your mouth. I had a boyfriend in HS who tried that once. I say once because I broke up with him at that point. I mean, really, that’s a bit of a deal breaker right there.

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  2. Is your ex my ex? I mean, I thought we were related but now I wonder if you and I are just the same person.

    Call me shallow, but kissing and physical affection are make-or-break items for me now. Not skill level, but just being interested enough to try. If I wanted to be ignored I would still be married (ha ha ).

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  3. Not that a class would have helped, Mer. I was forced to take auto shop but I still don’t know how to change the oil. Then again, my father might have forced me to sign up for kissin’ class, too, and I woulda been a natural.

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  4. Kissing class… the only class more awkward for us introvert loners than that stupid dance class we had to take our senior year!!! So I will just childishly giggle at the fact that you used the word snowball in a kissing thread…. πŸ˜‰

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  5. Oh my. I wish men, (boys) had to take that class. Really. I’ve only met one really good kisser. I mean he was the tops. Knew just how to kiss. Too bad it was the one man I didn’t marry! Call me stupid. πŸ˜‰

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  6. Wow, I just realized how much I miss making out… :/

    #7 is a big one with me… it’s not a race, and long slow kisses are gonna get a guy a lot farther than quick, quick hurry, hurry. Also I HATE the tongue probe (#4)!!! Can’t emphasis that one enough! gentle, slow, teasing… mmmmmm ok I am gonna go cry now cuz I’ve been single WAY TOO LONG!!!!

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  7. My ex was the same with the whole no kissing thing, not cos he was tongue-tied or anything, but cos he was an arse.
    Great post, I’d love to e-mail it to him with a note that says ‘Get over yerself big man’ lol

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  8. Ex definitely be tongue-tied after I’d have bit his dick good and hard. HA! Be the LAST time he suggests such reDICKulousness without a little sugar for his lady first….

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