Freaky Shit I’ve Done: Part 1

That girl is pretty wild now
The girl’s a super freak
The kind of girl you read about
In the new wave magazines.  – Super Freak by Rick James


My wild, super freaky days are far behind me now.

Yes, I once considered myself pretty freaky back in my youth. I’ve done some things that I am not exactly proud of. I’m actually really hesitant about sharing most of it, even though I know you guys don’t judge me. (Or if you do, you keep it to yourselves.)

I’m going to make this a list post, because I love lists. It also will not be lurid, since this is a PG-13 blog.


Freaky Shit I’ve Done

Three-Way

I was once in a three-way with one of my oldest friends and her boyfriend at the time. (She’s now married to another man, with 3 small kids.) There’s a good chance that she’s erased this memory from her mind. Myself, on the other hand, haven’t.

We were all drunk as hell and I was staying the night at their apartment. It just sort of happened, one minute I was using the bathroom and when I reentered the living room, the two of them were messing around on the couch.

Um, I said, maybe I should leave you two alone?

No, they said, come and join us.

morgan-freeman-oh-fuck

I wish that Morgan Freeman could narrate my life, that would be sweet as hell.

I downed my drink (liquid courage) and cautiously made my way over to them.

Stuff happened. No actual sexual intercourse occurred. Sorry to disappoint anyone, but I wasn’t down for that. But I did kiss my female friend and touched her boobs a little, although it did nothing for me.

This reaffirmed that I am 100% straight and like penises.

They had an open relationship and I knew that fact. It was really only a matter of time before something like this happened.

I’d like to say that it was a one time deal. Fast forward about a year and I made out with her same boyfriend at a Halloween party in the kitchen. And yes, I was yet again inebriated and not using the intelligent part of my brain.

People walked into the kitchen, saw us fooling around and then walked right back out. My friend wasn’t even bothered in the slightest that I was getting slightly sexy with her man.

I’m still somewhat ashamed when I think back on it now.

I stopped drinking tequila shots, that stuff makes me loose like a long necked goose.


Once Bitten, Twice Ouch Man!

I like to be bitten on the neck. Not hard enough to draw blood, mind you, but enough that it makes me wince a little. Pain can sometimes feel good, kind of like the people who enjoy being spanked and whatnot, which is not my cup of tea.

I dated this guy and at one point I told him about this fantasy of mine.

Oh, like a vampire sort of thing, he asked me.

Sort of, I replied. I enjoyed Anne Rice novels back then and found them titillating, what can I say?

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I thought this was so hot back in the day and kinda still do.

He took it a little too far and I ended up with these giant welts on my neck. Nips had turned into real bites, like he was trying to eat me up for a midnight snack or something.

This is the first time that I’ve shared my fetish with a large quantity of people until now.

You’re welcome.


Sweaty Sunday Afternoon

It was a blistering hot July day and I was visiting a guy that I had dated a few times at his not climate controlled apartment. It was so humid, that when we started to make out on his couch, within minutes we were both extremely sticky with sweat from our heads to our toes. It didn’t take long before clothing started flying and we were slip sliding all over the place.

His roommate, which just happened to be his twin brother, came home. I clearly recall hearing the door opening and I jumped up like my ass was on fire.

And in a way, it really was.

His brother looked positively delighted at the debauchery before him and he asked if he could join in.

Let’s take this to the bedroom, the still naked original brother said to me, imploringly.

By this time, I was already dressed, embarrassed, angry and wiping my sweaty fucking hair out of my eyes.

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No thank you, I replied. I better be heading home now.

Exit, stage right.

I think that the two of them were in cahoots and had it planned from the start. Little did those asshats know that I wasn’t quite that freaky.


Stay tuned for Part 2 next Monday, when I share the freakiest shit that I’ve done for last. (That is if you don’t think less of me now and unfollow my blog.)

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34 thoughts on “Freaky Shit I’ve Done: Part 1

  1. Think less of you? I now think more of you for being one of those rare individuals who isn’t afraid to admit to having done stuff, the likes of which ALL of us have done at some point or another (or if we haven’t, we’re freaking boring as hell).

    Liked by 4 people

      • Same here. I finished writing a memoir a couple of years ago and although I come off looking like the biggest asshole on earth in its pages, it can’t be argued that I wasn’t a lot more interesting back then. These days, I’m sober, devoid of a sex life, and I’m usually in bed staring at the TV by 9:00 p.m. Yet I still find life exhausting.

        Liked by 1 person

      • “These days, I’m sober, devoid of a sex life, and I’m usually in bed staring at the TV by 9:00 p.m. Yet I still find life exhausting.”
        We could possibly be living the same life, only with slight variations.

        Liked by 3 people

      • I’m satisfied with the actual writing and style, but as I opted to pull zero punches and essentially write down every horrible and/or extremely humiliating thing I’d ever done up to that point, I’m not really in the market for publishers. I’ve let a few friends and my sister read it, but it’s not going any further than that.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Your braver then me! I don’t think I could write about my “wild” life on here! (it involved the stunt double for Paul Hogan(the actor…a young one!) lol…Your life now reads just like mine!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I enjoyed this one. Made look back on my life a bit. Now that I’m old and shit…..
    Wow, if my family knew half of what I’ve done. LOL I was a wild child but not until I moved away from home for the most part….then I kind of made up for lost time for a while. I was brought up in the 60’s and 70’s…..so go figure….lol

    Liked by 3 people

    • I know my mom will bypass this post, she says that she won’t read anything that I write if it pertains to sex. I’m not even sharing it on Facebook, I have some cousins who read my blog sometimes and…well, I would prefer them not to know how naughty I have been in the past.
      My wild years occurred off and on between 18 and 31.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I enjoyed this read! If anyone decided to unfollow you for being upfront and honest about your experiences then they didn’t deserve to follow you in the first place! Great post 🙂
    xx Ayana
    I’m now a new follower of yours!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. My past was mostly pretty boring, but I’ve come to terms with boring now, and find I like it. The few things I did do would make most people shrug, but to this day I kind of feel like those statues of Jesus are disapproving of me, even though I wasn’t raised in a church. But your stuff is great! Young people, myself included, are stupid by design, but somehow most of us survive. Although, if you took most of the weird things supposedly mature people do in a sanctified marriage to try to keep things going, that’s probably even freakier.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That wife’s a super freak?
      I have had quite the interesting past…but that’s what it is, the past. I’m usually just fine being boring and shit. And how I survived all of that crap? My guardian angel is hyperventilating.

      Like

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