Fishing in my Head

He sent me a text message yesterday afternoon.

“Hi. May I come by after work and see Maya?” (My American Bulldog, who is struggling with his absence. He didn’t even mention our other dog Maggie.)

My friend Cheryl was here with me (because she’s awesome), since I was having a really hard time, being the first full day since he left and all.

“What should I say back? I can’t see him today, I just can’t.”

“Tell him no, not today.”

He responded a few minutes later, a simple okay.

My daughter has been sick these last few days, so if she isn’t at work, she’s been in her bedroom sleeping. I have a handful of friends that I could reach out to, but so far I have stayed pretty much to myself.

During my nap today, I had a bad dream which ended with him telling me that he didn’t love me anymore, that his love for me has turned into dust.

I have to admit, I had a weak moment. I texted him back this afternoon, hoping for what, I have no idea.

“Did you still want to see the dogs?”

“I do…possibly tomorrow?”

“Busy?”

“Today, yes.”

“You’ve already replaced me, huh?” (He won’t tell me where he’s staying.)

“No, I just have stuff to do. If not tomorrow, then on Saturday when I come to put my belongings in the garage.”

“That’s fine. I’m glad that you’re doing well.” (Not really.)

“It’s just one day at a time.”


anger1

How dare he use one of my favorite mantras?


My mom says that he’s still fucking with my head. His elusiveness as to his whereabouts is him trying to make me wonder if he’s staying with a woman or at least seeing one already. He ultimately needs someone to take care of him.

I couldn’t imagine myself going out on a date or having relations with someone right now.

I finally texted back, because I’ve always liked to have the last word.

“You’ll be much happier.”

I can’t show him any more of my pain or suffering, I think it feeds him somehow. I know that my first ex got off on hurting me and making me cry. I’m starting to think that he also secretly enjoys causing me emotional turmoil, perhaps it makes him feel like a real man, to hold the cards and deal them out as he sees fit.

I want him to believe that I’m doing great right now, even though I’m having mini anxiety attacks. I’m trying to take all of the great advice from everyone. I know that this is a process and that eventually, I’ll be better off.

Healthier, even.

I told my mom I wished that none of this had ever happened.

“Mer, IT DID.”

Yes, mom. It did.

And there ain’t nothing that I can fucking do about it but endure and try like hell not to bite when he tries to go fishing in my head again.

Advertisements

42 thoughts on “Fishing in my Head

  1. Oh Mer. I’m sorry he’s messing with you. Because you are right, he is. He loves to make you miserable…why? Because it makes him feel strong. Your weak, he’s strong. You’ll miss him, he’ll miss the dog. The dog will get over it. They do, especially when they have you to love on them. YOU won’t get over it if you let him keep doing that. YOU set the rules, YOU set the guidelines. YOU keep the strength. It’s not a matter of who gets the upper hand. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about YOU keeping as much control of yourself as you can. Don’t let him control what you feel or what you do. He gets off on it. Just like my ex did. I learned quickly that if I set the rules, he was confused and weakened. Then I was able to get on with my life, even if he did stalk me for years. That was a whole different weirdness. Just put YOU first and foremost. Let him deal with what he created. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

    • You know, Jackie…it absolutely amazes me that I never thought him capable of such things…each person I told back in July when all of this cheating shit came to light…T? No way! He fooled me, my mom, my aunt, my SIL, my brother. It reminds me of those people on the news…he was always such a nice guy, I can’t believe he murdered those people ect…narcissists can hide themselves for many years, I suppose. If that woman hadn’t sent me all of that info, I perhaps would still be in the dark.
      No, I have to stay in control. I can’t allow him to fuck with me anymore. And the only thing left that he has is the dog, so why not use her to make me feel weak.
      ❤

      Like

      • Oh, I understand! My ex had my family fooled too. He had them convinced I left him because I was having some kind of breakdown. I told them the only “breakdown” I had was finding out what a lying, cheating bastard he was. He manipulated everyone too. He was a believable liar. That’s why I can relate with you so well. I was there where you are now. And yes, he will use the dog. He will use anything and everything or one to do what he can do to make you doubt yourself. Don’t give him that weapon!

        Liked by 2 people

    • Wow Mer, what a great reply and from a place of experience! Jackie sounds like a great friend and support. My struggle has been in a different yet similar way, when my children struggled with bullying, I was only happy when I could guarantee their happiness…a book that brought me some insights was ‘Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I really recommend a read! Hope this link works…https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

      Like

  2. Mer, hang in there I know from past experience he is feeding his ego at your expense hoping you are missing him. It was manipulative on his part to use your dog to stay in contact with you and mess with your head. You got this Mer, you are a strong woman and the days will get so much better! You deserve so much more!❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes…especially when he left he claimed not to have any interest in seeing them in the future. I need to finally learn that this is who he is and that he’s never going to change at all.
      Thank you so much. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry Mer. It sure does suck. It sounds like everything you are feeling is normal. It feels crazy to miss someone who has treated us bad, but try to remember it is more the idea of having someone than it is the actual person. I’m so glad you have your close friend and your mom to support you. Let yourself be sad, angry, whatever you feel but you are absolutely right, don’t bite. Sending you my best, I’m rooting for you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I was married before. It ended. It wasn’t nearly as awful as what you’re dealing with but it was still fucking awful. Please please utilize your friends. Let them support you -bring you a sandwich or pizza. They want to do it. You need it. Let them. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The sooner the shit is off your shoe you’ll feel stronger, use your Spidey sense and your spider whip if you think he’s fishing… fling him back into that slimy pond he came from, let the fishes eat him! (hugs) ❤ T

    Like

Comments are closed.