I’d like to find a safe, isolated place just in order to scream for a few minutes, while I watch the puffs of my own oxygen slowly dissipate into the frigid winter air.
Screaming into a pillow doesn’t do much (I tried) and I can’t be making such a fuss around other people, they’d think that I went totally off the deep end.
And maybe I have.
But damn, I really do think that I deserve the right to be a bit crazy right now.
I want to go fucking driving until I find the perfect screaming place. You know, there should be an actual place that specializes in it. It would be like going to the tanning salon.
Lady at desk: Hello, Ms. O’Leary. How many minutes of screaming do you want to do today?
Me: I’m thinking 16 minutes today, Lola. (That’s her imaginary name.)
Lola: Sounds good, Ms. O’Leary. Do you need earplugs? We practice safe screaming here, as you are aware. It was in the welcome kit.
Me: Yes, I have my own pair, thank you. I tend to have way too much ear wax.
Lola: Ask your doctor to remove it for you, it helped me with my hearing!
Lola: Scream room 4 is open and ready! Enjoy your session, Ms. O’Leary.
Me: Thanks, Lola. I might throw in a little yodeling just for funsies.
Screaming in your car at red lights can work in a pinch, but you don’t want to frighten the people waiting next to you in the opposite lane. (If you enjoy that sort of shit, have at it. Screwing with people is fun sometimes, or so I’ve heard.)
Maybe if you’re alone on a long stretch of highway, but then again, I’ve always found car screaming far too stifling, not to even mention the shitty acoustics, which I just did.
But once you’ve actually found the perfect screaming environment that feels comfy for you, the proper steps must be taken to achieve maximum results.
Step 1: Get into the correct screaming stance, both feet firmly on the ground to prevent yourself from falling down and going boom with the sheer power of your scream.
Step 2: Take in the largest breath of air that you can, you’re gonna fucking need it.
Step 3: Throw your weary head back and let her rip!
If one isn’t enough, try two. Fuck, go for as many as you want! They are your screams, by golly, so you have every right to scream so loudly, so gustily…that even your genitals feel a sudden rush of endorphins.
That’s right, screaming just for the sake of it makes endorphins that then travel around your body and make things feel fanfuckingtastic.
Also, it resets you to factory default settings and is perfectly safe for humans and animals, plus a great way to expel anger and frustration for free.
Unless you visit Lola. She makes a fucking killing, but it’s worth it because she always has cookies.