How To Scream

I’d like to find a safe, isolated place just in order to scream for a few minutes, while I watch the puffs of my own oxygen slowly dissipate into the frigid winter air.

Screaming into a pillow doesn’t do much (I tried) and I can’t be making such a fuss around other people, they’d think that I went totally off the deep end.

And maybe I have.

But damn, I really do think that I deserve the right to be a bit crazy right now.

I want to go fucking driving until I find the perfect screaming place. You know, there should be an actual place that specializes in it. It would be like going to the tanning salon.


Lady at desk: Hello, Ms. O’Leary. How many minutes of screaming do you want to do today?

Telefonist-07

What a multitasker…it’s because she’s not only the president…she’s a client.

Me: I’m thinking 16 minutes today, Lola. (That’s her imaginary name.)

Lola: Sounds good, Ms. O’Leary. Do you need earplugs? We practice safe screaming here, as you are aware. It was in the welcome kit.

Me: Yes, I have my own pair, thank you. I tend to have way too much ear wax.

Lola: Ask your doctor to remove it for you, it helped me with my hearing!

Me: What?

Lola: Scream room 4 is open and ready! Enjoy your session, Ms. O’Leary.

Me: Thanks, Lola. I might throw in a little yodeling just for funsies.


Screaming in your car at red lights can work in a pinch, but you don’t want to frighten the people waiting next to you in the opposite lane. (If you enjoy that sort of shit, have at it. Screwing with people is fun sometimes, or so I’ve heard.)

Maybe if you’re alone on a long stretch of highway, but then again, I’ve always found car screaming far too stifling, not to even mention the shitty acoustics, which I just did.

But once you’ve actually found the perfect screaming environment that feels comfy for you, the proper steps must be taken to achieve maximum results.


Step 1: Get into the correct screaming stance, both feet firmly on the ground to prevent yourself from falling down and going boom with the sheer power of your scream.

Step 2: Take in the largest breath of air that you can, you’re gonna fucking need it.

Step 3: Throw your weary head back and let her rip!

Munch-The_Scream-1893-cat-w


If one isn’t enough, try two. Fuck, go for as many as you want! They are your screams, by golly, so you have every right to scream so loudly, so gustily…that even your genitals feel a sudden rush of endorphins.

That’s right, screaming just for the sake of it makes endorphins that then travel around your body and make things feel fanfuckingtastic.

It’s true.

Also, it resets you to factory default settings and is perfectly safe for humans and animals, plus a great way to expel anger and frustration for free.

Unless you visit Lola. She makes a fucking killing, but it’s worth it because she always has cookies.

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30 thoughts on “How To Scream

  1. LOL….oh man, I need a Lola in my life. I used to scream in my pillow (truth!) but as you say it’s not very satisfying. Once I was so ……so….so damn mad I screamed in the house. Husband there, dogs and cats went hiding. I didn’t care, I just stood there and screamed. Husband thought I went nuts. Once I finished I told him it was either scream or hit him and I’m not into violence…..much……so scream it was. I only had to do it once. He learned don’t push me that far. 😉 So go ahead…scream….startle people…they get over it and you’ll feel better for it. ❤

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    • I’ve been known to throw things before and slam cupboards…and that one time back in August when I slapped the piss outta the cheating fuckwit that I sadly married.
      Good for you, Jackie. Scream loud and proud! ❤

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  2. I agree with Jackie, I actually screamed nice and loud just the other day, although it was in pain (my little critter using my leg as a tree again), he won’t do that again…I hope! Even hubby was cringing! I say we open a place at the Grand Canyon, great acoustics and you get to hear what you sound like on the Echo! But don’t try screaming underwater, orifices are open and you might drown. LOL…

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  3. Screaming always gives me a soar throat, I think I’ve screamed less than a handful of times in the past two decades. My release? Oh cleaning, dishes, laundry … anything that requires nervous energy. This is actually another curse of CFS, no energy to actually burn off when in need of a good emotional cleansing. Hoping you find a good spot. I now find painting calms me back down to happyville😉😊

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  4. You could be onto something here. You could open a chain. “Mer’s Screamorama” you could call it. I’d like to pre-book a regular weekly slot please, for when you’re up and running.

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  5. I just love this post.
    You know, this is precisely what we did in high school (writing the post as we speak), it was easy. Besides, nobody takes a teenager seriously. I wish I could do it now. Unfortunately, my neighbors are 70 year old somethings and I’m in Germany (read: back in Serbia, nb would call the police since everybody’s kind of crazy). I need a Lola desperately.

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  6. I love this. I can tell you that there are times I’ve needed a safe spot to scream. Never have found one.

    Hopefully I unfollowing and re-following your renamed blog will return you to my reader. I MISSED you!!!

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  7. I am not much of a screamer anymore. Not even at concerts. It hurts my throat.

    Screaming was part of John and Yoko’s therapy and part of one of Yoko’s art pieces. I am glad it works for so many. I think I must just lean on you bff

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  8. I know Lola…. I think she used to masquerade as Judy the Time/Life Operator back in the 80’s.

    I’m not much of a screamer. I’ll throw out some foul words and mutter all kinds of curse words when I’m upset…. but I’m more of a destroyer when it comes to letting it all out. I want to kick shit all over the room and slam something up against the wall (Not the cats, that would get too messy). Then I can go back to being my normal, happy, couldn’t give a fuck less about anyone else but me self….

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  9. The only downside is that screaming can play merry hell with the vocal chords. For me anyway. Maybe it’s just poor technique on my part? An alternative I use however is to get my flute out and make it do the screaming by playing all the high notes. I can’t believe I’ve finally found a use for chromatic scales in the top octave!! 😉

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