Into the Whatever

I’m going through a tremendous period of growth and if I survive it, I’m gonna come out smelling like fucking roses.

I hesitate to write about some things nowadays, from the biggies to the minutia details of my life. Maybe that is partly due to spending over the last 5 years blogging my stoned little heart out.

Back in my day (my kid hates when I say this, so I use it quite fucking frequently) I posted something at least twice a day. I wrote about the stupidest subjects, whatever I could think of. All I cared about was blogging and it turned out that I was pretty decent at it, which doesn’t happen all that often here at Merbear’s World.

So, I’ve been holding back on certain personal topics, because I am now weary to write about everything and anything.

Which ruins my idea to start a weekly series similar to something that one of my original blog friends just hatched from his squirrel noggin this week.

10birthdayes

Happy Anniversary, you damn fuzzball...

Anyways, there are some things that I need to let fly into the whatever the fuck it all is:

I just found out that my therapist is retiring in 5 weeks and I am terrified.

My mom is extremely sick and I am constantly concerned about her well-being.

My daughter is struggling with the same mental health issues that I have.

I’m having a rough time of it financially, which I usually try to just joke about, but in reality is anything but humorous.

It’s not easy to lay down all of your cards for your friends and family to read, let alone strangers.

It takes guts and the desire for truth in all its ugly, naked glory.

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31 thoughts on “Into the Whatever

  1. Not the same thing I know but when my medical doctor decided to retire I knew it would be hard to find another one, never mind someone I liked. But things fell in to place and the doctor I have now is a gem. Better than the first one. Everything changes, and you’ve done so well coping with it all it’s really quite amazing. I know how hard it is to deal with anxiety and how strong the desire is to “save” everybody we love. Deep breaths, carry on, keep writing! Maybe go back and read some of your earlier stuff to see how far you’ve come. I did that and concluded I’ve always been an idiot, but your results might be better. Lol. Love you Mer❀️

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    • I have 5 more sessions with her and we’ll try to find me a good match…if I don’t click with a therapist, I’ll stop going and she knows that. πŸ™‚

      I just got a reminder of what can happen if you try to save the wrong person…it backfires loudly and makes me wet myself. I keep getting thrown into it until I finally get it right, I suppose.

      I have deleted over 200 old posts that either mentioned asshat in a good light, was just plain awful or full of mistakes. It felt great to rid my blog of them. My results are exactly the same as yours and I like that idea. πŸ™‚
      Love you too, Lin ❀

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I understand about the money problems, you know that already. So big hugs and keep faith in yourself and know things will work out. As far as your mom…..been there too and it’s damn scary. I wasn’t even as close to mine as you are to yours so I can kind of imagine how you feel. Sending good vibes her way. Everyday struggles sometimes get lost in the bigger ones but they are there and they build up in our minds until they are way bigger than they are. I found that if I just let it all go and dealt with the most worrisome and biggest ones first the little ones faded away. We can’t worry about it all at once, Mer, it would drive us crazy. Let it go for a while, then take a deep breath and deal with one at a time. I’m always around if you need some advice or just to vent. ❀

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    • I’ve been trying to do that more often, although it feels like I’m being irresponsible (heaven forbid). I tell myself that it’s okay to say fuck off world and do my own thing for a while to recoup, like take a 3 hour nap, eat a whole pizza, watch a show all day and leave the laundry in the baskets.
      Oh and also stop worrying about everything and just “be.”
      Thank you Jackie, I’ll bend your ear (haha) soon I’m sure. ❀

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  3. Ditto to what Jackie say’s ❀ One day at a time my friend! You'd never hear from any of us if we all burred our heads in the sand when a crisis came up. Stop, take a big breath and go forward, oh, and we can't forget to shake the sand out of our ears! lol… ❀

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  4. Hey, I know how hard it can be to share sometimes.
    Usually it is claimed that deepest feelings pour out in front of the closest ones. But I guess that’s wrong. It should be: when the deepest emotions pour out, that’s when a stranger feels like home.
    There is no need to feel guilty or outcasted while sharing problems with random strangers over here. What could happen, really? Most people are willing to help and share, too…. Even if everyone is going through tough times, or even if it feels like pouring from an empty cup, people here have a unique ability: They can face the same shuckass problems and rant about them, while giving out consolations to some other person, to keep their hopes high.
    It feels stupid, really, but I’m going to tell you something that kept me going through all the years of deteriorating mental as well as physical health:
    When we tackle obstacles, we find hidden reserves of courage and resilience we did not know we had. And it is only when we realise that these resources were always there within us. Find them and move on.

    I really wish I could do more. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I wish I could blow enough sunshine out of my ass to make all of your problems go away, but I know I can’t do that (Plus, that would just be gross). You know I support you even if I can’t think of the right things to say….. hugs!

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  6. You are right, Mer. You are truly fearless by laying it out there. You have a tenacity that I seldom see. For what it is worth, I think that is a strength that will serve you if you tap into it and let it be your armor!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Catherine. So much.
      Yes, we are working together the next few weeks to find me a suitable replacement, but it’s really going to be heartbreaking to say goodbye to her.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m guessing she’s known for a smidge longer than five weeks, and has probably discounted a whole cargo ship full of her soon-to-be-ex-colleagues for you. I’ll keep on praying.

    There is something incredibly theraputic about a good clear out. Pity you can’t get money back on deleting old blog posts, right?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Life… just keeps serving up challenges. I’ve always wondered…does this just happen to me!? But thanks to social media I now know, no, it’s not just me. Life is just this beautifully challenging rollercoaster of highs and lows, mixed with some pauses to catch your breath. It’s just that as we get older it feels like those damn pauses are like 5 minutes. From what I’ve seen here you’re tough as nails. Hoping that each day brings you moments of goodness, belly laughs, a warm bath, whatever, just whatever makes you feel like, yes, this is good. 🌸

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