Poisonous Fingers

In my music post yesterday, a part of Adele’s lyrics goes “I’ve forgiven it all.”

Nah. Good for her, but I haven’t.

This whole forgiveness thing is popular nowadays, it’s everywhere you look. I’ve had countless people who mean well tell me to do this “simple” thing. I’ve read at least a thousand memes that say just let it go. I’ve ingested articles on the subject, so many that my head spins only thinking about it.

If I forgive him, then I’ll be free. (I don’t. But I’m still fucking free.)

It’s not all that effortless, my friends. It takes time. Lots.

And honestly, why the hell should I forgive someone so easily who did such nasty, cruel and heartless things to me and my daughter?


I think this elephant might be taking things a little too far, maybe.

I still haven’t fully forgiven the first one, her father. (Um, the kids father, not the elephant.)

It’s been over 16 years since I took my then 5-year-old kid and ran like the wind blows. I haven’t seen or heard from him in almost 10 blissful years and when I do mention him, I still refer to him as a pus-filled boil.

Because he’s an asshole and there are days when he’s alive and well in my head, still calling me a lazy bitch and throwing plates at me. (Which I dodged with grace and skill, might I add.)

Anger is an excellent motivational tool. I’ve tapped into it a million times within the last 9 months to propel myself forward and I’ll continue to do so. There’s a reason why we’re made to get pissed off, just like we kick our leg when a doctor uses a rubber hammer to test our reflexes.


Yes, I am still angry at him for thinking that he had the right to fuck around on me behind my back for so long, while still promising with a straight face that he loved me ever so much.

I am still angry that he left me to sit in that ER all by myself during one of the most scariest moments of my life.

I am still livid that he got his own mother to assist him in tricking me into trusting him again just so that he could make our fake marriage last a few weeks longer. (Tommy just made a mistake, he’s so sorry and he’ll never do it again.)

You guys, he asked my best friend if she wanted to screw and not to worry about me, that I’d never find out about it.

But I did.

Eventually, I found out about it all. (Yet I betcha there are even more events that took place that I’ll never be privy to, which is fine with me.)

I’d like to quote Elton John.

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

All true, thank you Elton.

But as for forgiving him for touching my life and those I love with his perverted, poisonous fingers?

Check back in with me in about 16 years.


12 thoughts on “Poisonous Fingers

  1. You know, I never went for that “forgive and you’ll be set free” crap either. I don’t forgive my ex either! Nope, he doesn’t deserve it. Just like I will never, EVER forgive my abuser when I was a kid and it’s been a hell of a lot longer than 16 years. I don’t forgive and I don’t forget and I’m free as the freakin’ wind. 🙂


    • That’s us, as free as the wind blows, Jackie. For all I care, I’ll never be able to forgive him. I never thought that I could despise someone so strongly, but here we are. He is beyond pond scum to me and can go die in a hole.


  2. I don’t forget and I don’t forgive as it’s my prerogative as an adult! I think this “trend” of Oh you must forgive them them to set yourself free is total Bullshit!
    There are people who screw you over so bad in life and they really don’t feel sorry for the hurt they have caused, so why should we forgive them?? We were innocent bystanders in their evil ways, to forgive just makes me think that it was ok for them to do that to you, Nope, Natta, Not Going to happen in my lifetime!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • There are just certain circumstances that are unforgivable. Asshat sticking his pen into foreign inkwells is one of them.
      I hear ya, T. They can all get bent, stupid buttknockers.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s up to you to decide, no one else can tell you what to do.

    I think for some people it’s necessary, because the person who they have to forgive basically is staying rent-free in their head. It’s a form of letting go. But it isn’t the same for everyone.

    It’s also actually really unhealthy to try to forgive someone before you’re ready to forgive them. So ignore what “people” are saying and work to your own timeframe.

    Love you, Merbs. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • In 16 years, there’s a chance that a part of me will “let go” because time has a way of minimizing our pain. I can tell people the things that B’s dad did and not even flinch, just as nonchalant as you please.
      As usual, beautiful advice, love you so much, dear friend. ❤


  4. My mom got screwed over by her husband a few months ago and, at first, her reaction was to worry about him and not hate him. I was worried! Being pissed for a while seems like a healthy part of the progression toward healing to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Truly forgiving someone who’s done something so horrible is extremely difficult. And they don’t deserve it anyway. Seems like a lot of trouble and soul-searching and meditation and crap to go through to forgive such douchebaggery.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nope. The more I think about it, he really doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Even my own mother, who loved her “Tommy” told me Sunday that she gives no fucks about him anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

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