In my music post yesterday, a part of Adele’s lyrics goes “I’ve forgiven it all.”
Nah. Good for her, but I haven’t.
This whole forgiveness thing is popular nowadays, it’s everywhere you look. I’ve had countless people who mean well tell me to do this “simple” thing. I’ve read at least a thousand memes that say just let it go. I’ve ingested articles on the subject, so many that my head spins only thinking about it.
If I forgive him, then I’ll be free. (I don’t. But I’m still fucking free.)
It’s not all that effortless, my friends. It takes time. Lots.
And honestly, why the hell should I forgive someone so easily who did such nasty, cruel and heartless things to me and my daughter?
I still haven’t fully forgiven the first one, her father. (Um, the kids father, not the elephant.)
It’s been over 16 years since I took my then 5-year-old kid and ran like the wind blows. I haven’t seen or heard from him in almost 10 blissful years and when I do mention him, I still refer to him as a pus-filled boil.
Because he’s an asshole and there are days when he’s alive and well in my head, still calling me a lazy bitch and throwing plates at me. (Which I dodged with grace and skill, might I add.)
Anger is an excellent motivational tool. I’ve tapped into it a million times within the last 9 months to propel myself forward and I’ll continue to do so. There’s a reason why we’re made to get pissed off, just like we kick our leg when a doctor uses a rubber hammer to test our reflexes.
IT’S ONLY NATURAL TO BE ANGRY AT PEOPLE WHO HARM US.
Yes, I am still angry at him for thinking that he had the right to fuck around on me behind my back for so long, while still promising with a straight face that he loved me ever so much.
I am still angry that he left me to sit in that ER all by myself during one of the most scariest moments of my life.
I am still livid that he got his own mother to assist him in tricking me into trusting him again just so that he could make our fake marriage last a few weeks longer. (Tommy just made a mistake, he’s so sorry and he’ll never do it again.)
You guys, he asked my best friend if she wanted to screw and not to worry about me, that I’d never find out about it.
But I did.
Eventually, I found out about it all. (Yet I betcha there are even more events that took place that I’ll never be privy to, which is fine with me.)
I’d like to quote Elton John.
Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
All true, thank you Elton.
But as for forgiving him for touching my life and those I love with his perverted, poisonous fingers?
Check back in with me in about 16 years.