Bring It On

The thought started tickling the back of my head and just like when a nasty cold is approaching, it moved to my throat, which started to hurt when I swallowed.

I really do try to allow my thoughts, emotions and feelings to stick around if they so choose, because I now realize that they are like bubbles on water, always forming and then suddenly popping. As the saying in Cleveland goes, if you get sick of the weather, give it an hour.

Same concept.

My most dreaded month, August, is now upon us. Woo-hoo.

I’ll be 44 years old.

My dad will have been deceased for a whopping 32 years and I cannot remember his voice anymore.

It’ll be as hot as the devil’s armpit (August blows hot goat breath, just saying) and I have no AC, nor any damn money to purchase even a used one.

Well, no damn money for much of anything.

(Sorry, I like to complain sometimes about being poor, it helps me feel better for a spell.)


Gasp! Why wasn’t I born with a chocolate spoon in my mouth?

None of those things are fixable (unless I start stripping), so I do what we all do in life…I deal with it.

I also try to come up with new ways to make money by attempting to sell crappy craft ideas that I come up with (which never materialize because I’m afraid to lose my money on supplies), because after so many rejection emails about my writing, I don’t ever see that panning out for me.

There are billions of writers on the internet, you guys.

Oh yes, that’s right, the thought. Damn it, let me get back on track.

My bad.

Yes, I think that this is the first year that I have felt, coming closer to my birthday, really old. Even 40 was no skin off my Ashtabula. (Regional saying.)


I bet he’s never even been to Ohio, I’m too lazy to Google it.

Now before anyone calls me a “baby” in comparison because they are over 50, let me give you a few middle-aged woman trivia facts:

I remember talking to crushes and friends on rotary phones.

I know how to change a record player over to a 45 setting (with the little circle thingy) and still laugh because regular albums sound just like The Chipmunks on acid.

I played Pac-Man in my fucking living room, while wearing my Strawberry Shortcake pajamas.Β 

My family used a rubber Barbie arm as a volume knob on our old school remote-less TV.

I ate government cheese and I liked it!

I can get away with saying “back in the day.”

School started the first week of September, not the first week of August. What the fucking hell is up with that shit?Β 

I’ve had numerous Ogilvie home perms.

Most of the cars my family owned didn’t have seatbelts.


Hey, watch out for potholes, pops!

I’ve always separated my life into sections, like birth until the day that my dad died, my teen years until becoming a mother, leaving her dickhead abusive father, moving in with asshat, marrying asshat and that brings us to the here and now.

What comes next, at almost 44 years old?

I don’t know. I do know, however, that it doesn’t involve any blackhearted turds.

There is change everywhere. I feel sometimes as time itself is at a standstill. It’s almost like I am watching it unfold in front of me like a soap opera, up high from a cliff, exhilarated for the possibilities andΒ frightened by all of the upcoming traumas.

Those suckers never end, do they?

I continue to carry on my person a heavy fatigue that lays upon my bones, etched into them by years of abuse.

Being alive is both a divinely beautiful, yet agonizingly painful experience.

I say bring it on.

19 thoughts on “Bring It On

  1. Hay Mer,
    Well your basically a year behind me so don’t feel bad sis I remember all those things too 😜, get a couple blocks of ice and a fan old school AC sis πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‰. Love’ue sis 🌹 πŸ˜€.


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  2. Life is not a promise. Not giving nor receiving love is safe, trauma is expected, why? Cause shit happens. So start making your life up. Live the shit out of it, love with abandon, and eat trama for a snack. And if you want to eat Cheetos in bed at 7 AM do so with reckless abandon. Bring it on? Damn it – BRING IT MF’s!!! Kim xoxo

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  3. Couldn’t even say it any better than Kim!
    Wait till your on the edge of 54 like me, wholly shit it’s scary. Hubcaps and rims fall off and oil changes cost way to much for this old puppy!! LOL….

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  4. Wow I feel like this now and yet I am only 28. My little sister did not know what a VCR was! I am poor and always have been poor. Lately I actually thought about getting a credit card and then racking up charges because I know I could never pay them back and what are they gonna do? really what would they do…can they arrest you for not paying them back? Great post!

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  5. My favourite record as a kid was one of those floppy ones that came with magazines. I used to play it all the time. Only years later did I discover that while it was “single” sized it was supposed to be played at 33 RPM and was actually a very boring sales thing πŸ™‚

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  6. Of all the great thingamajigs you could rig up in place of knobs on an old school TV, a Barbie arm has to be the best one I’ve ever heard….

    We never went back to school in September here barring the inevitable teacher strikes. It was late August. No school during the summer is a relic from our days as an agrarian society. Then it was justified because most schools had no air conditioning (No school I went to had AC… that makes me old!). Now that it has been installed in a lot of public schools, the school year’s been bumped up so that they can call off school every time someone sees a flake of snow falling down in the winter. Wimps…

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    • I wrote about the Barbie volume control before, but it’s such a classic representation of my 80’s kid status, plus growing up poor as fuck that I had to revisit it…
      My Catholic school had no AC, so I can relate…and only the newer parts of my high school had it as well…we knew how to sweat our asses off back in the day and not complain! Geez, these damn wimps nowadays and whatnot….

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  7. Years are marked and remembered by the traumas that we faced… I just like to call then ‘checkpoints’.
    It’s weird how people with everything, and people who are suffering, both want to end it all, at times.
    More Age gets more checkpoints to reminisce. πŸ™‚
    Feel well, keep moving.

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  8. Well, Happy Birthday month! My age clicks up a notch this month too. It’s one thing to watch time fly by when you are well, but when you are ill and your life feels like it standing still, but you’re still getting older…WTF is that!? Not fair is what it is. But memories are still ours for the making and you my dear seem to be making some very sweet ones recently. I’m really happy for you. Hoping your birthday this year can be spent in AC with your sweetie.πŸ’•

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    • Happy birthday to you!! (Again.) ❀
      Thanks! I have 10 more days of being 43 and seriously, I'll be so glad to turn 44. I know, sounds odd to say that, but this past year can go suck eggs, lol.

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