The first one was somewhat thrust upon you without much time to really think about it.

Even the thoughts that did whistle through your mind that this didn’t feel quite right were mostly ignored due to your youthful, inexperienced and trusting nature.

Love meant that he had a right to know your every move, your every thought.

Your friends were scared off and only by sheer willpower did you get to keep your family, although when he snapped his fingers to leave, you’d jump and scoop up the child that you had together before he lost his cool.

He was in charge and he called the shots. You had no opinion of your own, nor were you allowed to be an individual. Bravo on eventually getting even by defying him more and more often as the days went by. Even back then you had some spunk, you were just starting to figure out how to fight back the best way that you could.

He was no king of hidden things. He was blatantly abusive and almost proud of it, as sick as that sounds. Every person who came into contact with him knew that he could turn nasty in a heartbeat, but he also had the ability to be charming when it suited him.

He was a crafty bastard, no doubt. But you took your beloved kid and courageously escaped after just less than 6 years. Phew, that has been a total bitch, but you’d never allow that kind of thing to happen to you again, you swore to yourself.

The second one you chased because you enjoyed the thrill that it provided you with. It was much like a challenge, to win the heart of this man who seemed to struggle with living life almost as much as you did.

He shared the same twisted sense of humor with you, bantering naturally back and forth as quickly as a tennis game, a match of wits.

He broke your heart constantly, but you kept taking him back because you still believed that you were destined to be together and after so many years, you knew him so well. You got smug about it, thinking that no matter what sort of drama that he brought to your table, you had no choice but to endure it because that’s what love was.

A race of endurance no matter what the cost.

He was the rabbit. Instead of being the tortoise, you were the ostrich, with your head buried under the sand for just shy of 15 years.

Forgiving yourself, now that’ll take some time, but it’s an extremely important part of moving onward, otherwise your future with the third one will be poisoned with rodent killer.


4 thoughts on “Self-Conversation

  1. Hold on to the philosophy that we are not given anything we can not withstand, Mer. I know the path you are traveling very well and it can be a true Bi%^h. Hold your head up and plough on through what little respite offered will be wholey worth the struggle.

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  2. I read this great book one time called Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One. It has exercises in it to help you move away from the trauma. It’s a great one. Just thought I’d throw that out there, it was life changing for me.

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