Lost Days & Panic Attacks

Every once in a while, I’ll have what I like to call one of my “lost days.”


I had one of those yesterday. I was awake long enough to talk with my mom for a few minutes, then my boyfriend brought me dinner. I was able to stay coherent long enough to dine with him for a mere two hours, then right after he left, it was back to bed with my exhausted ass.

I’ll wake up if:

I need to go pee or poop.

Well, that’s pretty much it.

I had a panic attack Thursday night at the bowling alley. I support my boyfriend and his teammates on their all men league. Since I dislike aggressive men (and there are plenty of them there, full of competitiveness) I’ll sometimes find it difficult to filter out the combative vibes.

My boyfriend doesn’t really grasp my empath ways and unfortunately, his alpha male personality towards others occasionally triggers me. I suck up feelings and sadly, I don’t always have control over it.

I took an extra dose of my anxiety medications due to the anxiety attack and I can’t help but wonder if the whole shebang helped manifest my “lost day.”

I am in desperate need of a therapist, but because of my health insurance, finding one that accepts Medicare isn’t all that simple, not to mention that if I did locate someone who did, I’d have to pay out-of-pocket for at least 20% (if not more) of each session. I can’t afford that.

I am currently doing the mental health stuff all on my own and it’s not going well.

I’m still having suicidal thoughts, although they are low-pressure. They come in and I entertain them for a few minutes, then off they go into whatever dark place that they came from to begin with.

My mom is sick, extremely sick. The doctors have no clue what is wrong with her, so there’s nothing that can be done.

It’s breaking my heart and most assuredly adding to my depression and anxiety.

Maybe asshat realized just how fucked up I am and that’s why he did me the way that he did. I can’t help but to feel this way, especially since he filed for divorce first and put down “incompatible” as the reason why our marriage will soon be officially ending.

I’m not going to the hearing. What are they gonna do, arrest me?

I’ll pay the money (it’s always about the money) and then that will be it. An entire 15 years of my life, all gone and flushed down the toilet.

I don’t want to fucking see him and his new girlfriend. If that makes me a coward, then so be it.


17 thoughts on “Lost Days & Panic Attacks

  1. You are NOT a coward. Why would you want to see your ex and his girlfriend? I’m sorry you are having such a rough time right now. If you need to talk, I’m always around. I wish I had some good advice but I don’t. I don’t want to hand out platitudes. They won’t help and might hurt. Just hang on, Mer. If you need to hang onto someone find that someone. You have people who care. ❤


  2. I am sorry to read all your troubles. This I know…
    Things change quickly, some just slowly
    Things will eventually not be as dramatic as they feel at this time.
    Life is so complicated, but you can redo what you don’t like…to something you actually do.
    Don’t expect you to be perfect, deal or handle things one at a time.
    It is okay to just go nothing and refocus or rejuvenate.
    Prayer works for some and maybe it will for you.
    Much peace and love to you my writer friend.

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  3. If you’re not going to the hearing, go do something nice and fun with your daughter and chap at the same time as it’s happening. It’ll be a bit like sticking your fingers up at asshat 🙂

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  4. Sending you hugs. Hoping today is better than yesterday. I don’t know what happens if you don’t go. But hopefully they don’t set a new date? Hopefully it’s simply granted because you’re a no show. I’m wondering if once it’s done, once the divorce paperwork is final and in your hands, will you sigh with relief? Will you feel a weight off your shoulders? I did. I do still and it’s been many years. I hate that you or anyone else has to go through this, some people are so incredibly cruel. Hoping today you can take a few moments and indulge in something you absolutely love, like chocolate…or whatever makes you smile. 🌸

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    • Oh, I love chocolate, it always helps in times of stress. 🙂
      I am hoping that they’ll just award him the divorce and I’ll pay my side of the legal fees. Then within a few months it’ll be final and I can legally change my name back. I seriously think that facing him would be damaging to my mental health and if need be, I’ll have to tell the powers that be.

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