Training Wheels

trainingwheels

The wound is the place where the light enters you. – Rumi

We honor the dead more by choosing to live well. – Dr. Laura

Grief needs to be heard. – Random Sources 


I’m finding it difficult to cry. The tears start to form and I personally get a slight tickling sensation in my nose, but then nothing but wet eyelashes.

I have no more tears left, I guess. For now, anyway.

I’ve dreaded her death for an extremely long time, but strangely enough, I’m holding up better than I thought I would.

For now, anyway.

I was dealing with something called anticipatory grief. For the past 4 or 5 years, I witnessed her slowly becoming more ill. She’d been isolating herself and began pulling away from the people who loved her.

She had felt useless and nothing that anyone ever said to the contrary changed her mind on that subject. It breaks my heart knowing how much she suffered emotionally, as well as physically. She wasn’t able to see how we all loved her, just as she was.

I know she’d been angry and depressed. Although she had some hope right up until the end, it was dimmed much of the time. She started to lose interest in what was happening to other people and started to distance herself due to her continuous, intense stomach pain.

I started to look for other ways to soothe myself when I became distraught and in need of her care, instead of calling her to complain, seeking comfort from my mommy like I had always done in the past.

It was akin to taking the training wheels off of my childhood bike.

Was it an unintentional blessing?

My grief and sense of loss is tremendous, yet the relief that came 3 weeks ago when she passed away still remains.

She endured so much suffering. Watching her struggling so bravely to be well again, to never succeed in that goal and the sheer misery of her day to day life makes me grateful that she’s no longer here to be plagued by a body that could no longer contain her shimmering light.


Mom,

I will try so hard to allow the light to enter through my wound of losing you.

I will attempt to honor you by living as well as I can.

I will try to not stay too quiet about my immense grief.

With all of my love,

Merry

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9 thoughts on “Training Wheels

  1. It’s going to hurt. You will not get over the death of your mom but you will get through it. You’ll revisit grief many times but less as the good memories overtake the utter devastation you feel right now. She is in heaven, she is without pain! But. You’ll still miss her. I wish I had something to say that would bring you comfort… I am so very sorry for your loss, Mer. So sorry.💜

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