History Repeats Itself

I’ve decided to overshare, because if I don’t, I’ll go bonkers.

(Too late?)

My neighbor started using heroin again and he won’t be coming back once he’s done with detox and the group home, according to his heart-broken father.

I am sad. I’ll miss my young friend. All I can do is pray for him now, but I can’t allow him back into my life.

My daughter is really struggling mentally and I am scared. It seems as though history is repeating itself. I know that I worried the hell out of my own mother practically my entire life.

History repeats itself. Hand drawn dry brush lettering. Ink proverb banner. Modern calligraphy phrase. Vector illustration.

Mental illnesses are not to be fucked with.

I’m having a hard time right now, but I have no choice but to wait until Sept 11th to see someone myself.

My daughter has a therapist and she’s on medication, but it doesn’t seem to be helping much. It’s just this continuous fucking battle and I honestly don’t know what to do for her. I do understand how she is feeling. I’m above her slightly only because I’m so much older and have more experience with these fuckers.

She has the exact same problems as I have.

I handed this shit down to my baby girl.

The catalyst? Her boyfriend broke up with her because they weren’t “growing” as a couple. I’d love to punch the little twit right now, but that’s not an option.

She misses her grandmother so much and she keeps asking me why she had to die.

How do you answer that?

Because that’s what humans do. We die. We all end up dying, there are no exceptions to this rule.

Because it was her time to die. God wanted her back. She had a good life and I reminded B that she brought her so much joy and love. My mom wanted B to always remember her and she certainly will. She made that dream a reality.

I was planning on going on a trip to visit a friend for a few days, but last night my daughter asked me to please not leave her alone right now. As much as I was excited about taking a break from reality for a spell, I can’t go. I had to break the news to my friend, who I know is disappointed, but I’m pretty sure that she’ll understand.

History repeats itself.

My mom spent 44 years of her life taking care of me and now it’s my turn to do that for my child.

I only hope that I can keep her safe from her demons.


13 thoughts on “History Repeats Itself

  1. Mental illness and substance abuse, they don’t take medication and they’re fine, or addicts stop using and it’s all good. Therapy is worse sometimes, it’s like dating, trying to find the right match. But if you don’t put effort into yourself, you won’t get anywhere. You’ll stay stuck in a nightmare, one you don’t think you’ll ever wake up from. Yesterday I was have panic attacks all day because who really wasn’t my friend again, after 7 years, I should have deleted my Facebook earlier. I had my self together. I felt like me. I blasted music during the day and cleaned, trying to declutter our house but there’s still congestion, if anyone knows feng shui, if I explain my living room, actually every room. I know I can look it up but I’m old school and wish it was still the time when people socialized in person. I’m a face to face person. Texting and messages, no one hears my voice, and I am misunderstood a lot. I’m tired of apologizing in general.
    I know I shouldn’t be saying all my issues on YOUR post, because this is about you and your struggles and we are here to help and, well, I usually like to post funny memes or post youtube videos that make you pee your pants from laughing. Have you ever had a major break down and when it started to slow down, you watch something funny, or your 5 year old runs from out of nowhere, not wearing pants and throws her arms in the air shouting “NO PANTS!” I need a device to wear on my head to have on at all times, especially when she’s tired and has all the symptoms of having “one too many”. Even HICCUPS! And can’t stop laughing over nothing after a while. Her laugh, oh my God, her laugh is the contagious kind. I remember when we all lived at home(my brother and sister are twins and 5 years older, but I was closer to my brother because we had a bond and understood each other when our conversations were purely quotes from movies and shows 🙂 I’m hoping this is helping a little? It’s my stories of good times, but it’s helped people when I sat with them until they were calm enough and then I break the silence with some random loud quote or something. Just a little shock and BAM, “Claire what the hell!” I love making people laugh. Laughter is my favorite sound in the world. But my daughter’s by far the best. My brother has that kind of laugh.They don’t talk to me at all, it’s been years. But I have memories and they don’t make me sad anymore. I’m grateful I have them at all. So I would be in my room, on the computer or something. My brother’s room was right next to mine and he never closed his door entirely. Then he’d burst out laughing and I would start laughing without knowing what the hell made him lose it.
    Sometimes it seems nothing will ever get better. I was just feeling that maybe half an hour ago until I got back on my computer and saw this email of your post. Reading it, I could breathe again. I have my own issues, and it might sound kind of messed up, but when I read about what other people are going through, I don’t feel so alone. I forget that when I’m breaking down.
    I’m not sure if I can post a video for you, or what your sense of humor is, but this one is just so ridiculous!

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  2. You will and you will come out of this stronger than ever before and then ask your maker to throw you some more of this your way. Battle hardened.

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  3. You need each other, and you will both come out of this time together stronger, that’s what being a Mum is, and what your Mum taught you, i’m sure she is so proud of you both ❤ xxx

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