An Early Birthday Gift

My 45th birthday is coming up fast. (August 18th.)

It’s my first birthday without my mom. 😦

Nothing feels the same anymore. Celebrating birthdays and holidays brought her so much happiness. My entire family tries their best, but I know that we all feel the loss of our beloved matriarch.

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I like to imagine that she’s there with us whenever we all gather together.

We tell stories, we laugh and we cry.


I started the grief support group last Monday. It was good. There was another woman who also lost her mother recently, so we sort of bonded a little. There are 13 sessions and it’s at a church about 10 minutes away.

After I paid the $15 registration fee, I received a workbook. Honestly, I’ve been so dazed lately that I haven’t really looked at it since last Monday, but I’m trying to be kind to myself and stop the negative self-talk. I just seem to run out of time to do all of the things that I want or need to do lately.

Busy little bee that I am, but I like it better than being a prisoner in my own home like I was for so many years.


I had my 3 month doctor appointment last week. When I got on the scale, I was shocked to see that I’ve lost a fair amount of weight since the last time I saw him a couple of weeks before my mom died.

My doc was concerned, so he ordered some tests.

Everything came back fine, so we agreed that it’s probably just due to stress and grief. I’m only a few pounds away from the weight I was when I got pregnant with B way back in 1996.

Seriously, I never thought that I’d ever have a doctor worry that I’ve lost weight. Until now, it’s always been the other way around.

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I’m trying so hard to be humorous.

I had noticed that my clothes were becoming baggy on me. I’ve purchased a few t-shirts and pairs of shorts that fit properly, but otherwise I just wear what I have. I’m not complaining, I only wish that the circumstances were different.


August 19th will mark 33 years since my dad died and it’ll be 3 months since my mom passed away. It’s going to be a rough fucking day, but I know that I’ll get through it.

Thankfully, the support group meets that evening.

I feel like a teapot, I build up my emotions and then once the steam becomes too powerful, I start whistling (crying) nonstop for 30 minutes.

I pray daily.

I talk to her constantly.

I dream about her sometimes. Last night I got to hug her and I swear that it felt so real.

Maybe it was an early birthday gift.

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10 thoughts on “An Early Birthday Gift

  1. The first year is the hardest. Holidays, special days feel like torture. I’m glad you are going to the support meetings. I feel like they will help. Grief takes time, Mer. Be patient with yourself. We all do our grief our own way. If you need me I’m usually around. You know that. ❤

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    • Thank you, my friend. I don’t expect myself to ever “get over” losing my mother. After 33 years without my father, I know that the grief never goes away, it just gets easier with time. ❤
      The support group is very helpful.

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  2. Grieve how you need to its your way, celebrate your birthday as you would have done with your Mum and should continue to do, it’s your party Mer and you can cry if you want to……much love ❤ xx

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