It Starts Inside My Head

I’m really good at trying to destroy myself.

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Not with alcohol or drugs. Not by being promiscuous or by acting recklessly.

It all starts inside my head. The voice that whispers that I’m never going to amount to anything much, that I’m just a loser who can’t manage her own life. A woman who can’t even work, for fucks sake, that has to depend on the government and her daughter just to barely survive.

A woman who must have “abuse me” written on her forehead.

I’m free now, but there’s so much damage to sort through, I’m absolutely overwhelmed by it all.

He got to skitter away without a scratch and I cannot even begin to explain how much that pisses me off.

I canceled my doctor appointment earlier this month because I couldn’t get myself to leave the house and face my health (or lack thereof.) I rescheduled and it took everything I had just to show up. It started to rain so hard that the roads instantly began flooding. I started having a panic attack because my brakes are starting to get pretty wonky and I can’t afford to get them fixed right now.

So I just don’t go anywhere unless I absolutely have to or I’m with my boyfriend, usually in his car.

Because of my credit, I’ve been denied for every loan that I’ve applied for, even though it’s gone up 25 points within a year. This fuels the voice in my head that I absolutely suck ass.

I’ve been having the most wicked fibro flare for about two weeks now and it just won’t let go of its grip on me. I wake up each day with the hope that I’ll feel better and I’m so bitterly frustrated when I don’t.

I want to call my mom. I’ll forget sometimes that she’s gone and I’ll reach for my phone. Then the realization hits me hard and I start to cry softly.

I’ve missed two of my grief support groups now and I’m ashamed.

Do I even own a sense of humor anymore? Where did it go?

There are so many ways that you can destroy yourself. In my case, it’s an addiction to feeling like I’m a piece of worthless shit.

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10 thoughts on “It Starts Inside My Head

  1. Hay Mer, I know how you feel between my cronick phisicale pain and my depression it’s a fit every day for a little joy, hold strong dear it will let up soon. 🌹

    ❤️✌️
    BY FOR NOW

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  2. I listen to a Christian rap artist named Lecrae and he may have not said this first, but a mantra I use and have learned from one of his songs is, “Your purpose on this earth is never worthless.” Love you, Merbear. I am sorry yo don’t have your mom to call. I truly am. ❤

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  3. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I, too, sometimes suffer from the mean voice in my head. Lately, it’s been bringing up every stupid thing I’ve ever said. Some of it stupid things I should have forgotten about decades ago. I can’t remember whether I fed my dogs 10 minutes ago but I can rake myself over the coals for something stupid I said 20 years ago. 🙄 The mind is such a weird thing. I hope yours starts being kinder to you soon.

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