It’s been more than two years since I first found out what my now ex-husband was doing and I still fantasize about contacting him.
I’ve written all that I have to say inside my head.
That my mom hated him and hoped that he rotted in hell, which still pisses me off that his betrayal stung her so badly. (My mom was not a hateful person.)
That I feel sorry for his new wife, because she has no idea that he’s a lying, cheating, (cold, dead-beatin’, two-timing, double-dealing, mean, mistreatin’, perverted narcissist.)
That I hope his new wife figures it out eventually and that he’ll yet again be up against a rock and a hard place, squirming around like a worm on a hot sidewalk.
But my friends tell me not to do it. Why waste my precious time? It’s much wiser to let karma do its job and it sure as hell doesn’t need my assistance.
Besides, he’d probably get off on it, knowing that he’s still causing me inner turmoil and whatnot.
I think it’s human nature to want revenge on someone who has wronged you so horribly. I do have my days when I’m perfectly happy with the way things panned out, but then the anger comes back and I picture myself running him over with my automobile.
I don’t enjoy reminiscing about the asshat years, but there were many of them and they continue to pester me daily. A song, a saying, a place, a television show…I’ll never be able to listen to Led Zeppelin again without wanting to vomit.
When people offer me their advice and tell me (not always kindly) to forget about him, that it’s in the past, I usually just nod my head and halfheartedly agree for the sake of keeping the peace. (I detest conflict.)
But what they don’t seem to understand is that it’s not me who doesn’t want to let go of the past…it’s the past that doesn’t seem to want to let go of me.
Ah well. At least I have my first therapy appointment coming up on December 5th.