A Tad Off-Key

Freedom is an important thing to have, wouldn’t you agree?

It starts when we’re little. We realize that we can crawl, that we have the ability to move from one place to the next. We start off slow and awkward, but soon enough we’re on a roll and our parents get all excited.

Until we start to walk. Then we end up taking all of the pots, pans and whatnot out of the cupboards.


No more freedom for you, you drooling little turd.

The reason I bring this topic up isn’t just for shits and giggles. Among the many things that I’m finding myself having difficulty with recently is how to deal with having full freedom.

Freedom from my ex-husband but also from my mom’s unintentional hovering. It was something I don’t believe that she even realized she was doing.

It’s so hard for me to discuss how controlling she was when it came to the choices and decisions that I made because it makes me feel like I’m disrespecting her memory. I know that she never intended on doing me any sort of harm or damage. I feel a sense of prickly shame and a guilty conscience whenever I think to speak or write about it.

Let’s just say that I’ll have plenty to talk about in therapy and leave it at that.

I have this intense grief to carry around with me, trying to make sense of a world without my mother in it, who was always my refuge and main support system.

I also have this newfound freedom of living my life without her input for the first time. It’s both exciting and rather terrifying. To be perfectly honest, I’m so afraid that I’m gonna fuck it all up and make all the wrong choices…but then again, I suppose that’s what life is mostly all about.

I like to imagine that my mother would want me to just be as happy as possible. (Even if she’s up in heaven disagreeing with me and shaking her head.)

I know that it’s going to take me a while to feel comfortable following my own gut instincts or as my new therapist calls it “finding my voice.”

My tone and pitch might be a tad off-key but hey, at least it’s mine.

6 thoughts on “A Tad Off-Key

  1. I was free to make my own decisions and my mom pretty much stayed out of my business and let me fail or succeed. But, she was right there if/when I needed to talk. When she passed, that lifeline disappeared. Now, a couple of years later, I still struggle and wish I had her here to just talk to. There is nobody else that can/will listen! So, in that regard I understand your grief and fear. Hang in there and take all the time you need to adjust.

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    • I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s just hard for anyone who has lost their mother, no matter what the relationship was…my mom was the only person who loved me unconditionally and understood my battles with my mental health. I miss her, I even miss our arguments sometimes.

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