Left in the Dark

I’ve had poor self-esteem since I was a kid. It hasn’t really gotten much better over the years. My new therapist pointed it out the first time we met back in December.

“That’s something we need to work on.”

Yes, just one of many things to take a closer look at. But if the many therapists I’ve had (and I mean, many) haven’t been able to plump up my self-worth, then I truly wonder if she’ll be able to fix this chronic problem of mine.

“You need to get your power back.”

When she says shit like this, I nod in agreement but deep down I’m shrugging and rolling my eyes.

What the almighty fuck is my power?

I’m always questioning myself and wondering if I’m doing this right (“this” meaning life in general.)


I think I’ve mentioned that I recently put my condo up for sale and last week we snagged us a buyer. Sadly, my once-beloved home turned hateful prison isn’t worth what I had hoped for.

The proposed deal has us needing to find a new house and moved in by March 4th.

My daughter and I excitedly went house hunting this past Monday. The first two were absolutely gross and unlivable. (We have like $47-$48k to work with.)

The 3rd house that we lovingly nicknamed “yellow house” was perfect and my realtor said that he’d put an offer in but it was a longshot.

The 4th house was a no-go although he seemed a bit put off by the fact that we disliked it. We needed an “option B.”

Well, this one ain’t an option, dude.

Monday evening he emailed me a bunch of papers to virtually sign. Because we’re not fluent in legalese and he’s not the best communicator, my daughter and I thought that we got the house. I went on Facebook to share the great news with everyone.

But the following morning, when I realized that I hadn’t received a call from him, I found out that I had only signed the offer.

Now here’s where my shitty self-esteem comes in to play.

Aha, there is a method to my madness!

I instantly decided that I’m an idiot and that my mom was correct; I am stupid.

Stupid for even thinking that I could sell this place and get a redo.

I felt (still do) like a damn fool for sharing the good news that wasn’t yet mine to share.

This morning there is still no word from my realtor, my daughter and I are about to give it up, plus I’m just fucking exhausted.

Deep down in my soul tired.

It doesn’t seem to matter what I try to do. Even when I decide that I’m gonna get my power back, the electricity always starts to spark.

And yet again I am left in the dark.

Sorry about not replying back to comments. I’m not doing so hot right now.

12 thoughts on “Left in the Dark

  1. I honestly don’t understand how some people enjoy the housing market and buy/sell on a semi regular basis. Most regular people (not the house flipper types) don’t understand the system that well, you are not stupid! (but I know that inner voice all too well too)
    good luck xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You aren’t stupid, Mer. Just tired and that’s ok but don’t give up when the first place doesn’t pan out. It’s a bad time of year for houses anyway. You know you’d feel much better and your dogs would be safer if you moved. Give it another try. We are always learning in life. It doesn’t make you any more stupid than the rest of us. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There is nothing fun about trying to buy a house… and I knew zip about the process when I went looking for mine. It was pretty harrowing, but it all worked out in the end, and I certainly hope you get a nice little place as well. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Buying and selling a house is a long, drawn out nightmare, usually. So much paperwork and it gets confusing. I have been through it a few times and I felt so overwhelmed every time! I had a bad realtor once. The guy had definite opinions on what I should or should not purchase. He was basing the assumptions on the fact that I was a widow and had no man in my life. I know this from a few comments he made. I even had one realtor laugh when went to an open house and was interested. He asked if I was married. I told him I was a widow and he LAUGHED at me thinking I could purchase a home on my own. At that time, I had all of the life insurance money from my husband’s death sitting in my bank. I was SO mad that I blurted out that I could buy the home in cash if I wanted to, because I had the full purchase price in my bank. His expression changed dramatically. I just told him never mind, I wouldn’t do business with him and walked away. It felt good!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m late here but I wanted to say that I think sharing here is power. It’s not hiding, it’s being honest, it’s owning who you are. That is powerful. One persons power is not another’s. There was only person who potentially dropped the ball here and it was your realtor. However I do believe this has a happy ending so I’ll leave it at that. 🌸


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