Both My Privilege and Heartache


As excited as I am about moving, I find myself missing my mom now more than I ever dreamed was possible.

Since my mom’s death, my relationship with my daughter has strengthened. Also, my brother and I are closer than we’ve been in many years.

Since we were mere kids, really.

(Sometimes shared grief pulls people together; sometimes, it pulls them apart.)

I am thankful but they both work long hours and are busy with their own lives. My brother has a family of his own, so I can’t be constantly messaging him with every little fart that happens in my world.

I scramble to find somebody to tell the highs and lows to, besides my boyfriend. Nobody is able to fill in the empty hole in my heart. Like everyone else, he’s often distracted by his own issues (and smartphone.)

I sit for long periods of time and contemplate who I should try to reach out to.

Who will give me their uninterrupted attention?

Those last few months of her life, when she became so ill that she couldn’t even leave the couch, she was often grumpy (shit, if I had suffered as she had, I’d have been grumpy as fuck too) but she was there with her unconditional love.

I have yearned for a father figure ever since my sweet, hilarious Uncle Jerry moved farther from me and then sadly passed away back in the early 2000’s. He stepped up to the plate after my dad died in 1986.

It’s occurred to me recently that I’ll never be able to replace her, although nobody could ever come close anyway.

But despite that knowledge, am I now yearning for a mother figure?

For fuck’s sake, I AM a mother. I’m an old lady now, not some young woman, like my daughter.

It’s both my privilege and heartache to want both of my parents back with their beams of love to light up my life again.

3 thoughts on “Both My Privilege and Heartache

  1. For one thing, you are not old! Now me on the other hand…. 😉
    No one is going to replace your mom. Ever. And that’s ok. It shouldn’t be someone else’s job to replace your mother. Now, you can have friends that will lend you support, advice, and just an ear to vent to. I’m sure you have several of those. I know you have at least one…
    But, unlike your mom (or most moms) we do have lives and other crap we are dealing with too, but you know that being a mom yourself.
    It’s understandable to want what isn’t around anymore. Shit, I had a major meltdown yesterday because the husband isn’t around anymore and yesterday I was just tired of being without him. Today is another day to try again. Just as you try every day. We just have different battles that tire us out. I’m always willing to listen to you, Mer. And give opinions…it seems I’m full of those. hahahaha Love you, lady. ❤

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    • I keep thinking to myself that I need to write a will, I’ll be 46 this year. I’m not exactly sure how I got to this age so fast but I need to look at the future realistically.
      Also, the depressed and exhausted part of me is glad that I’m 46 and not 26. I do not want to start over.
      I get it. Breakdowns are just a part of the grief. My mom’s 75th birthday is coming at the end of this month and I am gonna be a hot mess. Shit, today is Valentine’s Day and I miss her so damn much. 😦
      The next time I find myself in need of a good conversation, I will message you on Facebook and not think to myself, gee, I hate to bug her…love you, my friend. ❤

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      • The month after my husband died I made a will out. I will not leave life without one. It’s hard when a person doesn’t have a will and their families and friends are wondering what to do. My husband would never make a will out because he told me ‘what’s the point? you will get everything anyway!’

        Even though I was/am his spouse there were a lot of hoops I had to jump through because there was no will. It’s a cost, yeah, but a will is so worth having and giving peace of mind to those left behind!

        Also, I made out an Enduring Power of Attorney, so if I was in no state of mind, or died suddenly everyone would know my wishes as to being cremated and stuff. You can also put that stuff in your will. So yeah, it’s a good idea to do that, no matter the age.

        I almost always answer right away if you message me. Almost always, unless I’m gone or something unusual. 😉 ❤

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