Gentleman Prefer Blondes

This is my official entry for ES’s Annual Contest of Whatever. This year’s theme is “Murphy’s Law” which states that whatever can go wrong will go wrong.

Or something like that.

Let me introduce you all to Sally and Ed.

retrocouple

Sally’s phone rings…

Ed: Hello doll, my tasty little snack cake!

Sally: Oh, it’s you. I mean, hello Ed!

Ed: Are we still on for our date tonight?

Sally: Well, I washed my hair this morning, so I can’t use that excuse this time. I suppose so.

Ed: Wonderful! I’m going to take you to this really neat-o little dive bar I found while I was out with the fellas getting shitfaced one night…

Sally: Wait a second. A dive bar? What do you take me for, a cheap hussy?

Ed: No, my sugar lump! They have the tastiest boneless wings and drink specials from 4-8pm.

Sally: I deserve caviar and champagne, you assweasel.

Ed: Baby, I forgot to tell you something about myself. I know that we’ve only been dating a couple of weeks so it’s best to just be honest with you before things get serious between us…

Sally: Not bloody fucking likely now…

Ed: I lied on my dating profile. I’m not really a lawyer for Murphy, Murphy & Sons. I’m a janitor at the local high school. I’ve spent all of my savings trying to impress you. I’m as broke as a joke now!

I also have herpes.

Sally: What? You lying scumbag!

Ed: Please Sally, don’t hang up! I love you!

Sally: Well, to be honest, I’ve been keeping a secret from you myself.

Ed: Whatever it is, I forgive you my adorable puddin’ pop!

Sally: I’m not really a blonde.

Ed: Really?

Sally: Yes, it’s true.

Ed: My ad specifically said that I wanted a real blonde!!

Sally: Well, I wanted to date a rich lawyer!

Ed: I’m sorry but I can’t go for that. No can do. Goodbye, Sally.

Sally: Wait! I thought you said that you loved me?

Ed: Gentlemen prefer real blondes, Sally, even poor ones!

Ed hangs up on her and Sally starts to weep. She pours herself a glass of wine to console herself and then sinks down into her oversized faux fur covered chair.

Sally: He might have herpes but I got the clap.

15 thoughts on “Gentleman Prefer Blondes

  1. Wow! This entry is full of retro crudeness and great Merbyisms like assweasel. Sally and Ed make such a great pair. I guess Ed didn’t get suspicious when the carpet didn’t match the drapes… or maybe he was just too drunk to notice. Thanks for writing this up this funny little story for my contest!

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