A Surreal Tint

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I’m having a hard time right now, as I’m sure many of us are. It’s a scary world. Here in Ohio, we’re not supposed to be going anywhere unless it’s absolutely necessary. Most stores that do not sell food are closed…recreation, schools, all shut down until further notice.

The only two people I allow myself to see are my daughter and boyfriend. She’s still working since she’s a manager of a gourmet burger place but my boyfriend has been laid off until further notice. He’s not getting anywhere when he tries (so many times now) to unsuccessfully apply for unemployment.

As for me, even though I’m used to being at home for extended periods of time, life has taken on a surreal tint. Going to the store for food or medications feels like I’m risking my life and that of anyone else that I come into contact with. So, I just stay put and if I DO go anywhere, I put on a bandana around my mouth and nose.

I’m glad that we got to move before this entire pandemic started. At least I’m not stuck inside that stupid condo for God knows how long. I had hoped that moving here would be full of bright, happy feelings; instead, I’m afraid to wake up each day and read the news.

What if today is the day that my daughter, who still has to do carry out and delivery orders, catches this fucker?

I don’t want to get out of bed. I struggle every morning. I’m depressed, anxious and scared. My fibro is flaring and I’m so fucking tired of being in pain 24/7.

I miss my mom but I’m also thankful that she isn’t here during this crisis…she’d be an absolute wreck! At least she isn’t suffering even more than she already did.

But regardless of that, I’m experiencing a grief tsunami, unrelenting waves of sadness, absolute pain that cuts right to the core of me.

So yeah, I’m not doing so great right now.

I hope you guys are doing better than I am.

22 thoughts on “A Surreal Tint

  1. I feel like it’s a risk to leave as well. I swear I drive way slower than I ever have in my life as if that’s helping in any way. It’s so surreal.

    And grief sucks especially when it’s over a parent. My only offer is to advise working through it and honestly, I know when we are going through stuff we have the tendency to feel like a broken record, but if you want to talk about your mom or anything else, we are FB friends. And if you’d rather email, we can do that too.

    Love ya, Mer. ❤️

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  2. We’ve got the same restrictions as you by the sounds of it. I’m allowed out once per day so I’ve been having little walks around the village in my lunch break (fortunately I can work from home and my company’s bought me a big monitor, iPad etc to help with that).
    It’s all a bit strange though. When I saw the UK govt’s freeze on house moving last week I thought of you and that you had fortunately moved before anything might be locked down in the US 🙂

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  3. You’ve been through tough times before Mer, you are going through tough times again but you are tougher than you were before! Be kind to yourself! Your daughter will follow guidelines and be careful. Your mum is nearer than you think, she will look out for all of you. Check out Matt Haig on Instagram or Eckhart Tolle on Youtube, both are so insightful. Tolle talks about the pain body. I would love to support you in setting a learning goal, see if you can connect via my contact page. Having a goal can help distract you. Leave the news off, get only 1 update per day if wished. We will get through this! Le grà, Marie Xx

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    • Thanks, Marie. I’ll check out your contact page soon!
      I know, my mom is around for sure. I’ve been watching my church online (Pastor Craig) since last August and started a class that was moved online called Mindfulness and Self Compassion which has been helpful and very timely. I’ve been trying to limit my exposure to the news, it’s helped a bit. xx

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  4. My mum would have seen this as “just another thing.” She would have laughed at me if I took it too seriously. She would isolate, for sure, because that’s the thing she always loved most. God, I miss her.

    Stay safe and sane, Mer. We got this.

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    • Thanks for your support, Tom. Stay safe yourself, bless you and yours!
      And I think we ALL miss our moms once they have passed away. It actually hurts more now and it’s going on almost a year already! Mine was a worrier, who passed it to me and now my daughter. Anxiety, the family legacy!

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  5. Oh, Mer. I’m sorry that you’re not doing well and I’m terribly sorry to hear about your mom. I’m glad I chose to come back to WP now though so I can give you a big pain-free virtual hug. We’re all in this together, bub. I missed your face. ❤️

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    • I missed you too, Goldfish. ❤
      My mom passed last year, May 20th. Almost a year now. She had been very sick but I was unable to write about it in detail for fear that she's read it. But those last few months, she didn't do much of anything.

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  6. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, Mer. Things WILL get better, maybe not with your grief over your mom, but these pandemics restrictions will ease eventually. Enjoy that lovely new house of yours–and that great backyard!

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  7. I am having a hard time as well. Like you, I am constantly thinking about my mom. I miss her, and I want to talk to her. But if she were here through this she would also be a wreck, and a high risk person. I hope you get through this. Trying every day.

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    • Ah, I am so sorry that you also lost your mother. It’s so damn hard. 😦
      My mom was my anchor in this world and she was able to keep me going, she handled my mental health issues for over 40 years like a champ. I put that poor woman through hell. But anyway, we need to keep on. Stay safe.

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