“From The Ashes”

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“It is not her love coming to an end;
she will always have love tucked underneath her rib cage.
This is another failed love attempt reaching its last page,
a relationship fading into the image of memory,
and a woman understanding that it is not her job to plant, water, and harvest love in a man all at once,
especially one who doesn’t want to taste the goodness of her love.
All that matters now is that she gave it her best shot,
another bullet wound from someone she handed the gun to.”

A poem from the book “From The Ashes” by Pierre Alex Jeanty  

Gaslighter

So thrilled to see that narcissism and abuse of this nature are finally being exposed and brought to the light.


Gaslighter by The Dixie Chicks 2020

Gaslighter, denier
Doin’ anything to get your ass farther
Gaslighter, big timer
Repeating all of the mistakes of your father
We moved to California and we followed your dreams
I believed in the promises you made to me
Swore that night ’till death do us part
But you lie-lie-lie-lie-lied
Hollywood welcomed you with open doors
No matter what they gave you, you still wanted more
Acting all above it when our friends divorced
What a lie-lie-lie-lie-lie
You’re such a
Gaslighter, denier
Doin’ anything to get your ass farther
Gaslighter, big timer
Repeating all of the mistakes of your father
Gaslighter, you broke me
You’re sorry, but where’s my apology?
Gaslighter, you liar
You thought I wouldn’t see it if you put it in my face
Give you all my money, you’ll gladly walk away
You think it’s justifiable, I think it’s pretty cruel
And you know you lie best when you lie to you
‘Cause, boy, you know exactly what you did on my boat
And, boy, that’s exactly why you ain’t comin’ home
Save your tired stories for your new someone else
‘Cause they’re lie-lie-lie-lie-lies
Look out, you little
Gaslighter, denier
Doin’ anything to get your ass farther
Gaslighter, big timer
Repeating all of the mistakes of your father
Gaslighter, you broke me
You’re sorry, but where’s my apology?
Gaslighter, you liar
You just had to start a fire, had to start a fire
Couldn’t take yourself on a road a little higher
Had to burn it up, had to tear it down
Tried to say I’m crazy
Babe, we know I’m not crazy, that’s you
Gaslighting
You’re a lie-lie-lie-liar
Oh, honey, that’s you
Gaslighting
You made your bed and then your bed caught fire
Gaslighter, I’m your mirror
Standin’ right here until you can see how you broke me
Yeah, I’m broken
You’re still sorry, and there’s still no apology
Gaslighter, denier
Doin’ anything to get your ass farther
Gaslighter, big timer
Repeating all of the mistakes of your father
Gaslighter, you broke me (gaslighter)
You’re sorry, but where’s my apology?
Gaslighter, you liar

a compassionate letter to myself

One of the assignments from my class, which was quickly revamped from in person once a week to online now due to the virus, is to write a compassionate letter to myself

I’ve been struggling with the meditation part of the course, I feel like I can’t just sit and focus on my breathing for more than a few minutes before I need to get up and do something productive.

It’s more difficult than I had imagined.

So I’ll write this letter to myself and post it on this dusty, seldomly used blog of mine.


Dear Mer,

Damn, girlfriend.

You’re still alive and kicking, kudos to you. It must be some kind of miracle that you’re going on 5 years since your suicide attempt.

Few people have said this and since you’ll probably die before hearing it (haha!), I’ll do it myself…I’m fucking proud of you.

Yes, I’m talking about removing that waste of space ex-husband from your life and sparing the kid from his increasingly unwell, subtle abuse. I know, it’s a subject mostly avoided by others and so you keep that specific season of horror to yourself but it does deserve to be acknowledged.

It’s also fair to note that at one time, you loved him. That’s what made it so damn difficult to let him go, to let the entire 15-year relationship basically dissolve into the nothingness of the void.

I know that you still dream of him and sometimes, it really hurts because you never in your wildest imagination thought that he could be so cold and cruel.

Because you thought that you knew him, that he was deep down a decent man.

And it’s okay that you were wrong. You must forgive yourself eventually.

But now that time has had its way with the entire ordeal and has somewhat lessened the trauma, look at how far you’ve come.

I don’t think that you’d be as mentally strong if you had stayed with him because that was the easier thing to do.

To turn the other way and pretend that everything was just fine like you did for a spell there until you finally could no longer tolerate living a lie.

If you had stayed, well, perhaps you wouldn’t have been able to survive almost an entire year now without your dear mother.

You would still be trapped in that condo like a wild animal, desperate to be free.

You would never have met your boyfriend who showed you that you might have fibro but you’re not dead yet and there’s so much more to experience in life.

You are a strong woman.

You are brave.

And you’re fierce when the need arises.

When you need a reminder of why you need to keep pushing forward and continue trying, just look up into the sky, whatever hue that it may be at the time.

Your mom is watching and she loves you, girlfriend.

And because you took the harder road and came out of the other side with your heart and soul scratched but healing, you know for certain now that God is good.

Even when life isn’t fair and seems to not be worth the effort, God is good.

Love,

You