A Bittersweet & Blessed Birthday

I just wanted to pop in real quick and write about my birthday yesterday.

I survived it. Honestly, I ended up feeling loved and extremely grateful, although I was also so heartbroken.

I kept expecting my phone to ring and then hearing my mom on the other end, singing happy birthday to me like she always did every year. It lasted the entire day, up until it struck midnight.

I knew it wasn’t going to happen, but the mind loves to fuck around with itself, doesn’t it?

There were birthday wishes on Facebook from family and friends. My cousin said that she’s taking me to see The Fab Four, a Beatles tribute band, on August 31st. I’m looking forward to that!

My daughter left me gifts of the chocolate kind around the house to discover.

My boyfriend and his mom picked me up and we went to visit his uncle to play Rummy. His cousin was there, so that was also a nice surprise. I really enjoyed their company and spending the day with them.

Steven bought me a personalized cake to celebrate turning the big 45.

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Note the bowling ball and pins, plus the frosting is my favorite color.

After we left, Steven treated us to a birthday dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. I don’t recall seeing him ask the waiter, but suddenly a slew of waitstaff came out and put this heavy hat on my head (sombrero?) and then sang to me.

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I got to talk to my aunt on the phone for about an hour once I got home. That was really nice.

Steven and so many others made a much dreaded day very lovely. I’m so grateful and blessed. I know that my mom was smiling down and like my cousin told me, when the birds sang in the trees yesterday, that was mom’s way of letting me know that she was there.


Today is the 33rd anniversary of my father’s passing. It doesn’t matter how many years ago it was, I still miss my daddy.

This pain isn’t as fresh, but I’ll never truly get over it.

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Blurry, but I love that look on his face.

But really, I don’t think that I ever want to get over it.

Because that’s what love is all about, as painful as it is.

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With What Lumber We Have

If it wasn’t for my beautiful, smart, kind and sensitive daughter, I’m sincerely not sure how I’d find my strength to continue shuffling down this painful path right now. I love her with every fiber of my being and we’re actually closer now since my mom died (first time I’ve typed that word.)

I don’t mean to say that she’s my only reason for living. That puts way too much pressure on her, of course. But she is my main purpose at the moment. She needs her own mother to help her through losing her beloved grandmother. That’s my job. They were extremely close and my dear B is heartbroken and grieving, too.

My own emotions are all over the map. The dull ache and relief I initially felt is starting to subside, replaced with a hollowness and intense pain that seems to be crushing my heart into a bloody pulp.

I have other family, but besides my one cousin who reached out to me, I am flying solo on this journey. My younger brother just doesn’t discuss his feelings and I’m used to that. The two of us are so different, like night and day.

Some families are close and stick together, but mine mostly keep their distance. I’ve somewhat accepted this, but I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t make me very sad.

I guess we rebuild with what lumber we have and shit.

My boyfriend has been fucking amazing through all of this. I call him my sunshine because he brightens my days with his positivity and love. He also has little family to lean on during times of sadness, so he’s able to empathize with me. I’m so grateful that he’s in my life. He makes all of the bullshit that I’ve dealt with over the years worth it.

She read my blog sometimes. That’s why I never wrote in detail that my mom was so ill. I didn’t want her to be upset with me, although she had stopped reading the last few months as her health declined.

But, there have been some happy moments on and off since May 20th. I’ll share some of them with you guys.

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Steven and I recreating our first date on June 3rd.

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My dog Maya coming back from her bath at PetValue. (That’s my daughter driving.)

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Me after trying on some new make-up my daughter gave me. (Photo taken by my boyfriend.)

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Steven at Edgewater Beach last Saturday, right before it started pouring.

I know that my mom would want me to live my life to the fullest, so these photos would make her smile.

But I’m so lost without her.