With What Lumber We Have

If it wasn’t for my beautiful, smart, kind and sensitive daughter, I’m sincerely not sure how I’d find my strength to continue shuffling down this painful path right now. I love her with every fiber of my being and we’re actually closer now since my mom died (first time I’ve typed that word.)

I don’t mean to say that she’s my only reason for living. That puts way too much pressure on her, of course. But she is my main purpose at the moment. She needs her own mother to help her through losing her beloved grandmother. That’s my job. They were extremely close and my dear B is heartbroken and grieving, too.

My own emotions are all over the map. The dull ache and relief I initially felt is starting to subside, replaced with a hollowness and intense pain that seems to be crushing my heart into a bloody pulp.

I have other family, but besides my one cousin who reached out to me, I am flying solo on this journey. My younger brother just doesn’t discuss his feelings and I’m used to that. The two of us are so different, like night and day.

Some families are close and stick together, but mine mostly keep their distance. I’ve somewhat accepted this, but I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t make me very sad.

I guess we rebuild with what lumber we have and shit.

My boyfriend has been fucking amazing through all of this. I call him my sunshine because he brightens my days with his positivity and love. He also has little family to lean on during times of sadness, so he’s able to empathize with me. I’m so grateful that he’s in my life. He makes all of the bullshit that I’ve dealt with over the years worth it.

She read my blog sometimes. That’s why I never wrote in detail that my mom was so ill. I didn’t want her to be upset with me, although she had stopped reading the last few months as her health declined.

But, there have been some happy moments on and off since May 20th. I’ll share some of them with you guys.


Steven and I recreating our first date on June 3rd.


My dog Maya coming back from her bath at PetValue. (That’s my daughter driving.)


Me after trying on some new make-up my daughter gave me. (Photo taken by my boyfriend.)


Steven at Edgewater Beach last Saturday, right before it started pouring.

I know that my mom would want me to live my life to the fullest, so these photos would make her smile.

But I’m so lost without her.


Happy Fathers Day!

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my father. Even after almost 32 years since his passing at the young age of 50, he’s still always on my mind and in my heart.

I’ve been talking to him all of these years, because I truly believe that he listens to me prattle on about this and that.

He’s shown me a few signs that he’s still around, especially when I specifically ask for guidance. (He’s been on call 24/7 these last few months.)

He still has the power to help give me the love and strength that I need to keep on fighting.


My handsome dad on his wedding day.

I visited his grave for the first time in years last week with my new boyfriend. I dropped to my knees and started to cry, brushing the grass and dirt from his gravestone. The cemetery crew does an excellent job of keeping everything tidy, but I just felt compelled to trace his name with my fingers.

Happy Fathers Day! Remember, if it wasn’t for them, none of us would be here.

(And not all men are assclowns.)