A Long Decade

My mom always told me that finding a true friend in this world was difficult…but actually keeping one was even harder.

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And she was right.

I try to go through life with the realization that the majority of people I befriend are going to end up being a transient part of my life. It’s just easier that way, especially now that I’ve vowed to stop chasing people.

I’ve worn out far too many pairs of sneakers doing that shit and my feet hurt.

I can count on one hand the number of people with whom I believe in enough to relay my innermost thoughts and fears to. I don’t write about everything that happens or the tragedies that befall me. I had a double whammy just yesterday and as much as I’d love to write it all down, they are not fully my stories to tell.

I miss my mom every single day, but at this particular moment, I’d give anything to be able to call her and have her soothing, loving voice on the other end of the line.

She was my one true friend, I understand that now. Sadly, a little too late.

I think that the young girl inside of me wants to find someone to link pinkie fingers with and promise to be forever friends.

But the middle-aged woman that I am understands that that’s a silly, whimsical idea.

So I just sit here and stare at the wall. I drink my coffee and allow the gamut of emotions to run their course. I’m much too tired to fight with them today.

It’s been a long decade and I’m looking forward to 2020, because the 2010’s haven’t been so kind to me.

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Stinging with Rejection

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My God, just go away!


Have you ever had the feeling that a friend is trying to avoid you, but isn’t being straight up about it? You just feel a distant vibe each time that you try to reach out and communicate. You instinctively know that something has completely changed and it’s quite obvious that you are taking up their precious time.

Then you feel like a total idiot for even trying to chat with them because they basically ditch the conversation as quickly as they can get away with. It leaves you stinging with rejection and you’ll promise that you’ll just do them a huge favor and leave them the hell alone…

Until some time passes and then you try again, hoping for them to seem happy to hear from you like they used to.

It’s just downright stupid, isn’t it? Why chase a person who clearly wants little to nothing to do with you anymore, for whatever reason.

Oh well. What are your thoughts on this?

With Safety Pins

I’m not an easy person to get close to.

I’m normally polite, but I prefer to keep the majority of people at arm’s length. I could love the hell out of you and still not allow a close friendship to blossom. There are many reasons why.

I’ll just be as transparent as a sheet of cheap ass wax paper; relationships are hard work.

Yes, you say, but they are so worth the effort! I do not disagree with you, it’s an awfully great feeling to know that a few humans on this planet love and care about you.

It’s as soothing as a mug of hot chocolate, isn’t it?

But from what I’ve always experienced (for me anyways) is that they take so much of my energy, they quickly wear my ass out.

I can quickly put labels on it, hey man, I’m an empath and an introvert, what the hell do you expect? But it runs deeper than that for me, especially within the last year.

I GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE AND THEN THEY HURT ME.

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And you know what? It is not fun. It is the major suck, I’m talking total suckage, here.

Being the sensitive soul that I am, I get emotional quickly. I have so many issues that my issues have issues. I panic easily, then I cry. I have wicked nasty anxiety attacks that scare the living shit outta me on the regular. A great portion of these bad boys are brought on by my fellow homosapions, often unintentionally (and sometimes on purpose, trust me, it does happen more than you’d like to think.)

Basically, if I were tight with a large quantity of people, I’d go completely apeshit.

I don’t want that. (Remember that total suckage thingy?)

I care about so many people, but for my own welfare, I find it difficult to let the bonding occur. The more persistent the individual, the more of a chance they’ll have in knowing the last time I had a truly successful bowel movement.

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I’ll end this post with a random thought that pooped popped into my head:

The Universe has a shitty sense of humor, with safety pins always at the ready to pop your iridescent bubble.