I just hit a major milestone recently, turning 45 years old. To some of my friends, I’m still a “baby.” That’s fine, I accept the compliment with a chuckle and a smirk.
But to my daughter and her friends, I’m vintage. Like, I know all of the words to the television theme song “Flipper” and continue to retell the tale of the day when my mom shredded my cassette tape of “Girls, Girls, Girls” because she thought the lyrics were just absolutely filthy.
I find myself saying “back in my day” constantly and like clockwork, my 22 year old rolls her eyes.
“Back in my day…”
She’ll mimic me in a sad attempt to keep me from jumping into my time-machine, which happens to be a 1988 Dodge Omni.
It never works. You can’t stop the passage of time.
Here’s my list of the five signs that you’re getting old.
1. Excitement Over New Appliances
My boyfriend recently bought a new air fryer, so he gave me his old one. He could’ve easily sold it for at least $30, but he decided to change my life instead.
I love this thing. You can cook pretty much anything in this bad boy. Onion rings! Hot Dogs! French Fries! Even burgers!
They come out perfect, like a real fryer but without the oil and mess. Not to mention that it’s healthier because there’s absolutely no greasy residue! If you’re over 40, stop reading this and tell somebody about this modern day miracle.
I’ll wait right here, I need a moment to calm down anyway.
2. You Can Find Song Lyrics To Fit Any Situation
Daughter: Mom, I’m worried that I’ll never find a decent guy.
Me, in a sing-song voice:
“Que será, será
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que será, será
What will be, will be”
Daughter: Is that the new song by Rihanna?
3. You’re Confused At How Much Things Cost Now
My daughter is on the way to the store to grab some snacks and asks me if I want anything. I reach for my purse and hand her $2.
Me: I want a Kit-Kat, a Coke Zero and a bag of chips, surprise me.
Daughter, looking down at the crumpled dollar bills: Um, mom? This isn’t enough money to buy all of that.
Me: What do you mean? A candy bar costs like 40 cents! Make sure you give me my change back, every penny counts.
4. You Obsess About The Smell Of Your House
I have two dogs and a young adult living in my home.
This combination causes a grand stink to emanate from my condo. Parts of my home are what I declare “odor neutral” like my…well, never mind. There are no parts of my home that don’t smell like shit.
What can I do?
I buy candles when they go on sale. I stock up. As many different scents as possible and I light those bitches up to mask the smell of dog and the dishes that my daughter left in the sink (not rinsed off.)
Scummy water, my favorite.
The sprays don’t last long enough in my opinion. On occasion, I’ll purchase some of those plug-in oils that cost a small fortune and stick them in my kitchen and bathroom outlets. Yet much to my annoyance I find that the oil has been working so hard to rid my home of funky smells that within days the glass container is almost bone dry and needs changed again.
It’s just this never-ending cycle of stench.
5. You Get Thrilled When You Find A Bargain
There’s a local craft store that is going out of business after many years of providing yarn and popsicle sticks to the masses. Since I now consider myself a jewelry designer, my boyfriend and I decided to stop in the other evening 45 minutes before closing time to see what remnants they had left.
The jewelry section had been clearly picked through, but there were still many cool things left. I saw this amazing sign in bold, black letters:
Buy 3, Get 18 for Free!
Holy fucking cow! I asked my boyfriend if my eyes were deceiving me. He assured me that I wasn’t seeing things, so then began my mad dash to find the best beads and shit in the fastest time possible.
My hands were soon overflowing and silly me, I didn’t grab a basket when we came in because how was I supposed to know that they’d actually have some really great stuff? My boyfriend quickly looked around and found a black hat, so I used it to carry my goodies in.
I was like a kid in a candy store!! I felt giddy and almost fainted with the sheer delight of it all.
I ended up buying around $60 dollars worth of jewelry supplies for $19.27. (After taxes.)
Even a couple of days later, I am still pinching myself. It’s the kind of thing that dreams are made of, you guys.
There ain’t nothing like getting shit for free!
Money does not grow on trees and chocolate milk doesn’t really come from brown cows.
But I think I’m going to just pretend that those things are true because it still makes me feel young at heart.