I’m no good at making decisions. I don’t trust myself, I guess.
I swear that I hear my mom in my head telling me how to do this and that, the way that she would’ve done things. I often disagreed with her and we’d argue, but in the end I’d usually cave in.
She was always at me about my lifelong problem of procrastination.
Oh man, I can procrastinate, my friends. And boy did it drive my poor mother batshit crazy.
Just this past August, when it came closer to my birthday and it was time to renew my drivers license, plus registration tags (at the tune of $85.50) I waited until the day before my birthday to get my procrastinating ass up to the DMV and do what needed done.
Sure, no worries, right? But as I waited in line, I could hear my mom inside my head.
“Why did you wait until the last minute again? You could have been done with this already!”
By the way, I’m almost certain that I am mostly sane.
I plunked my money down and had to take two photos for my new license because of the glare from my glasses. But anyway, as I walked outside on that summer morning, I looked up to heaven and smiled into the sun.
“See? Look mom, I’m putting the sticker on my plate! I did it!”
No reply, obviously.
Yes, I might have waited until the last minute like I’ve always been prone to do, but I did indeed get the deed done. Like I almost always do.
I am not good with deadlines, as you can imagine.
Every fall, my mom would tell me to have my furnace checked and every year I’d tell her that I would. But then, I just wouldn’t because I never really had…
- The money to do so.
- The desire to know if something was wrong with it.
This happened every year since 2009, when I bought this damn condo which has turned into the bane of my existence. (I know, I sound like such a whiny little twat!)
My self loathing is strong today.
Back in 2017, my furnace was acting shady, just like my ex husband was. A friend helped me out financially, but instead of fully replacing the old gal, I got somebody to fix it up some, because well, new furnaces are not fucking cheap.
It worked alright that winter and even last winter it was doing mostly fine until around April, when it started not to blow.
When the weather started to turn this year, I (haha) procrastinated and used my space heater. That was all fine and dandy. I even went out and bought another one a couple of weeks ago to help me not to have to turn my furnace on!
Guess what happened last night, you guys?
It fucking snowed. I mean, I live in fucking Cleveland for fuck sake!! What did I expect?
I woke up to a bitterly cold bedroom and a frosty nose.
My thermostat said that it was 60 degrees.
I quickly turned on both of my space heaters to super duper mode (it’s 66 now.)
So I decided to see if maybe the furnace magically fixed itself these past few months, but now it’s blowing ice cold air, but only from two of the things. So I sighed in defeat, turned it off, had a quick panic attack and then went on Google to search for large room space heaters. After much research, I found one on Amazon Prime (my kid gets a discount due to being a college student, but she graduates next month) and ordered the best that I could afford to buy. It’ll be here tomorrow, so that will be our main heat source downstairs and the other two are for our bedrooms, one for her and one for me.
The procrastinator doesn’t like leg cramps.
It’ll be much like the summer with our fans running 24/7. They make these things now with so many safety features, but I still hear my mom saying to be careful because they could overheat and we’ll all die in a house fire.
I do my best to take care of my two dogs and my daughter, who might be getting ready to turn 23 soon, but is still a kid who looks to her mother (me) to take care of business. Even when I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.
Which is quite often.
I lost both of the people that I would turn to in times of crisis, my mom and asshat, although being a worthless lump of poo he was at least another adult.
I don’t want him back, hell no, it’s just that I was at least able to pretend that he was affected by the problem as well and it wasn’t only my dilemma to solve.
My boyfriend lives with his elderly mother and not to talk smack, but he doesn’t know how it feels not to have a warm house to live in and what to do when something breaks. He’s a great guy, but there are times when our differences stand out like a zit on an alabaster ass.
I am very tired of the bullshit that life throws. But, I guess that due to my inability to just face the bullshit instead of putting it off, I make it worse.
I can see my mom up in heaven doing a face palm.
That girl of mine will never change.
I usually spend about an hour editing my posts, but today I say fuck it. I’m leaving it as is.