Five Signs That You’re Getting Old

I just hit a major milestone recently, turning 45 years old. To some of my friends, I’m still a “baby.” That’s fine, I accept the compliment with a chuckle and a smirk.

But to my daughter and her friends, I’m vintage. Like, I know all of the words to the television theme song “Flipper” and continue to retell the tale of the day when my mom shredded my cassette tape of “Girls, Girls, Girls” because she thought the lyrics were just absolutely filthy.

I find myself saying “back in my day” constantly and like clockwork, my 22 year old rolls her eyes.

“Back in my day…”

She’ll mimic me in a sad attempt to keep me from jumping into my time-machine, which happens to be a 1988 Dodge Omni.

It never works. You can’t stop the passage of time.


Here’s my list of the five signs that you’re getting old.

1. Excitement Over New Appliances

My boyfriend recently bought a new air fryer, so he gave me his old one. He could’ve easily sold it for at least $30, but he decided to change my life instead.

I love this thing. You can cook pretty much anything in this bad boy. Onion rings! Hot Dogs! French Fries! Even burgers!

They come out perfect, like a real fryer but without the oil and mess. Not to mention that it’s healthier because there’s absolutely no greasy residue! If you’re over 40, stop reading this and tell somebody about this modern day miracle.

I’ll wait right here, I need a moment to calm down anyway.

2. You Can Find Song Lyrics To Fit Any Situation

Daughter: Mom, I’m worried that I’ll never find a decent guy.

Me, in a sing-song voice:

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“Que será, será
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que será, será
What will be, will be”

Daughter: Is that the new song by Rihanna?

3. You’re Confused At How Much Things Cost Now

My daughter is on the way to the store to grab some snacks and asks me if I want anything. I reach for my purse and hand her $2.

Me: I want a Kit-Kat, a Coke Zero and a bag of chips, surprise me.

Daughter, looking down at the crumpled dollar bills: Um, mom? This isn’t enough money to buy all of that.

Me: What do you mean? A candy bar costs like 40 cents! Make sure you give me my change back, every penny counts.

4. You Obsess About The Smell Of Your House

I have two dogs and a young adult living in my home.

This combination causes a grand stink to emanate from my condo. Parts of my home are what I declare “odor neutral” like my…well, never mind. There are no parts of my home that don’t smell like shit.

What can I do?

I buy candles when they go on sale. I stock up. As many different scents as possible and I light those bitches up to mask the smell of dog and the dishes that my daughter left in the sink (not rinsed off.)

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Scummy water, my favorite.

The sprays don’t last long enough in my opinion. On occasion, I’ll purchase some of those plug-in oils that cost a small fortune and stick them in my kitchen and bathroom outlets. Yet much to my annoyance I find that the oil has been working so hard to rid my home of funky smells that within days the glass container is almost bone dry and needs changed again.

It’s just this never-ending cycle of stench.

5. You Get Thrilled When You Find A Bargain

There’s a local craft store that is going out of business after many years of providing yarn and popsicle sticks to the masses. Since I now consider myself a jewelry designer, my boyfriend and I decided to stop in the other evening 45 minutes before closing time to see what remnants they had left.

The jewelry section had been clearly picked through, but there were still many cool things left. I saw this amazing sign in bold, black letters:

Buy 3, Get 18 for Free!

Holy fucking cow! I asked my boyfriend if my eyes were deceiving me. He assured me that I wasn’t seeing things, so then began my mad dash to find the best beads and shit in the fastest time possible.

My hands were soon overflowing and silly me, I didn’t grab a basket when we came in because how was I supposed to know that they’d actually have some really great stuff? My boyfriend quickly looked around and found a black hat, so I used it to carry my goodies in.

I was like a kid in a candy store!! I felt giddy and almost fainted with the sheer delight of it all.

I ended up buying around $60 dollars worth of jewelry supplies for $19.27. (After taxes.)

Even a couple of days later, I am still pinching myself. It’s the kind of thing that dreams are made of, you guys.

There ain’t nothing like getting shit for free!

Money does not grow on trees and chocolate milk doesn’t really come from brown cows.

But I think I’m going to just pretend that those things are true because it still makes me feel young at heart.

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Getting Better Acquainted

I saw this posted by a friend on Facebook and it looked like a fun and easy thing to do on a lazy Sunday.


💍 Marriages: One.

💍 Engagements: Two. (I never married the kid’s biological father.)

💔 Divorces: One.

👶 Kids: One daughter, age 22.

👦 Brothers: One.

👧 Sisters: Nope.

🐕 Current pets: Two dogs and a Betta fish named Ferdinand. 🐠

👩🏼‍⚕️ Surgeries: Not yet…unless you count having 19 teeth ripped out of your mouthpiece while you’re awake.

 Tattoos: Five. I’ll be getting a new one in honor of my mom when I can afford it.

Ink ain’t cheap unless it’s done in a dingy kitchen by some slightly inebriated dude named Earl.

🌴 Been to an island: Yes. Puerto Rico, St. Thomas and Put-In-Bay. A couple more in the Caribbean that I can’t recall the names of right now.

✈️ Flown on a Plane: Yes, I love flying the friendly skies.

🚑 Rode in an Ambulance: Four times. The first was when I was in the 7th grade and I dislocated my knee while attempting to do the splits in my backyard. The entire neighborhood showed up to watch the action.

🎤 Sang Karaoke: Yes, I got booed. I sang “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “Goodbye Earl” with an old friend. The only reason I did it was because I was drunker than a skunk.

 Ice Skating: Yes, once. It hurt my ankles and I fell on my ass. Not fun.

🚢 Been on a Cruise: Yes, it was lovely. I would never be able to physically (or financially) do it again, so I’m grateful that I had the opportunity when I was still pretty healthy.

🏍 Rode on motorcycle: Um, no way.

🏍 Owned a motorcycle: No!

🐴 Rode on a Horse: No, I couldn’t get on the fucking horse. Impossible. I almost broke some important body parts trying.

Sorry, Mr. Ed.

🏥 Stayed in a Hospital: Yes. Plus two psych wards within a month of each other.

🍓 Favorite Fruit: Strawberry.

📅 Favorite day of the week: Back in my working days, it was Friday. Nowadays, I don’t much give a shit what day it is. Maybe Saturday because I spend the entire day with my boyfriend.

🌈 Favorite Color: Lime Green.

📱Last phone call: My cousin Cindi.

 Coffee or tea: Coffee with cream and sugar.

🥧 Favorite pie: Apple.

🍕 Favorite pizza: Pepperoni, onion and green pepper.

🐶 Cat or Dog: I love both, but dogs are more loyal.

☃️ Favorite season: Fall.

⭐️ Met a star: Nick Cage in Las Vegas. He was filming a movie. He nodded slightly and we made eye contact. He’s shorter than I had originally thought.

🚁 Rode in a helicopter: No, those things freak me out.

📺 Been on TV: Not that I am aware of.

🦴 Broken a bone: No. But I’ve had my heart broken many times.

👻 Seen a ghost: I have never actually seen a ghost, but I’ve had many paranormal experiences and signs from my departed loved ones.

⚰️ Seen someone die: Yes, both of my parents.  😦 

🤮 Been sick in a taxi: I’ve been in a taxi twice, but the only thing that made me sick was how much money I had to fork over when I got to my destination. 

I Loathe Anxiety

My anxiety has always started in my stomach, a churning of intestinal chaos that leaves me feeling nauseous and planning my escape to the nearest bathroom.

From there, it travels into my limbs, causing an unpleasant tingling sensation. My breathing becomes shallow and my head starts to spin, making me feel like I might fall down on my ass and go boom.

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Oh, the possibilities are endless!

My thoughts will turn dark and I’ll start to whip through possible scenarios.

  • My daughter got car-jacked by a gang of drug fueled ruffians. That’s why she hasn’t answered my text message yet.
  • My mom fell in the bathroom and didn’t bring her phone with her, that’s why I keep getting her voicemail when I call (repeatedly, by the way).
  • My dog sneezed 3 times, she has bronchitis or something, I just know it.
  • This headache isn’t my allergies kicking up, it’s the beginning of an inoperable brain tumor.
  • What’s that awful sound? Holy shit, the world is ending, I’m not ready yet!!
  • All of my teeth are going to get infected because I can’t afford to see a dentist. I’ll end up having to eat baby food and never smile with my mouth open again. (Okay, this one has some truth to it.)
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This isn’t me.

I loathe anxiety.

So tell me, what symptoms do you experience when you’re anxious?

Or are you one of the lucky ones who never really gets anxious? (And if so, what’s your fucking secret?!!!)