Thank You For Being With Me

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“I don’t care that all you can do right now is sit in your chair, I love you. You’re not six feet under and you’re here with me, that’s all that matters.”

Hot tears slipped down my flushed cheeks as I looked away from him, the ugly truth of one of my biggest fears uncovered.

Will he cheat too? Decide that I’m too sick for him to deal with as well and end up regarding me as a worthless, mentally ill cripple?

(Who doesn’t sexually please him well enough?)

It’s a real demon of mine and my boyfriend knows that.

“From all that you’ve told me about your past, you should be patting yourself on the back, honey. Don’t even get me started on the first one who put you in the hospital and then the second one, who did you even worse if you ask me…”

Which one is worse? Abusive relationship A or abusive relationship B?

Flip a coin?

As hard as I try to run from my two abusers, they continue to seep into my current reality. I’m just a middle-aged woman with a love of fuzzy socks, not a sorceress who can cast a magical spell, abolishing the memories of my past traumas.

It takes time, people tell me.

How long?

Everyone is different.

Are all men nasty, evil swine?

No, of course not.

Is there something wrong with me that I found not only one, but two of them?

No, I was just asleep for a long time.

My boyfriend kisses me on the forehead and smiles at me.

“Thank you for being with me.” I reach out to take his hand.

“No, thank you for being with me.”

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A Tale of Three Men

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Shushed and hushed

Ignored, shut up!

Told to simmer down

Made me cry, don’t ever ask why

That slutty color made him frown

No real dates, just hung out

Disappeared for days, no calls

On his own time he’d come ’round

Bailed on me, just let him be!!

Stared angrily at the ground

Holds my hand, keeps his word

Tells me how smart I am

Helps me heal, a tender heart

Within his arms I feel safe…

A beginning of a new start


Three Men by Sandra Carey

The Shedding

I’ve grown up quite a bit over the last year, which I know must sound odd figuring that I’m 44 years old and already a grown-up. Please allow me to explain in greater detail.

I am on a path of self-realization. I’m seeing my past mistakes and faults through a strong microscope, calling myself out on my own bullshit.

I ask the Universe and God, my angels and my father for guidance on a regular basis.

I’m taking notice of the little signs that are being sent to me, through music, similarities, angel numbers, coincidences and my daily interactions with others.

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Sevens everywhere, everyday.

I’m starting to speak my truth and to follow my natural intuition. I no longer shrink myself down to make others feel comfortable. I’m seeking self- forgiveness, for being so unfair and cruel to myself practically my entire life. I’ve always had such a hard time loving myself for who I am and although it’s a work in progress, I feel as though I’m partway there.

I reject anyone who goes out of their way to hurt me.

I feel more sorry for asshat than I do hate him, because he’s an empty, morally defunct husk of a man who will never know love. I’m doubtful that he’ll ever find any sort of peace within himself, no matter how many woman he sleeps with or if he ends up owning a bunch of the selfish possessions that he was always so hungry for.

All I want is to become the person that I was meant to be.

A good person who doesn’t take advantage of people, somebody who tries each and every day to be better than I was the day before.

My old self, well, she’s starting to vanish and is being replaced by the woman that I am starting to watch emerge (amazingly) from the depths of a hell that was of her own creation.

I will continue to struggle and stumble, because life is a wicked bitch sometimes, but my friends, it is also breathtakingly beautiful.

The shedding of my old skin is now just the archaic remains of my far too long-buried soul.