New Music To My Ears

I consider myself a bit of a music buff but when it comes to new music, I usually have no freaking clue who any of these solo artists and bands are.

I think it’s one of those old people phenomenon things.

Yet every once in a blue moon my daughter will introduce me to something that I really like. Then I’ll spend a considerable amount of time on YouTube listening to every song of the artist/band that I can dig up.

My most recent find is an extremely young and (I think) talented girl named Billie Eilish. Her voice is whisper-like and haunting, some of her videos are akin to watching a horror movie, plus they’re downright depressing.

She draws out my inner sad woman which probably isn’t a great thing but I do like to indulge that side of myself sometimes. I’ve read that people call her genre gothic romance which I didn’t realize was something that even existed.

I mean, you can listen to 80’s music over and over again for only so long before you start craving Aquanet and rotary phones.

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No wonder my back hurts so badly now in my elder years…

I’ve missed doing my random music posts so…here we are.

This song is my favorite from Billie Eilish but I do recommend checking out her other tunes as well.


Billie Eilish – Hostage

I wanna be alone
Alone with you – does that make sense?
I wanna steal your soul
And hide you in my treasure chest
I don’t know what to do
To do with your kiss on my neck
I don’t know what feels true
But this feels right so stay a sec
Yeah, you feel right so stay a sec
And let me crawl inside your veins
I’ll build a wall, give you a ball and chain
It’s not like me to be so mean
You’re all I wanted
Just let me hold you
Like a hostage
Gold on your fingertips
Fingertips against my cheek
Gold leaf across your lips
Kiss me until I can’t speak
Gold chain beneath your shirt
The shirt that you let me wear home
Gold’s fake and real love hurts
And nothing hurts when I’m alone
When you’re with me and we’re alone
And let me crawl inside your veins
I’ll build a wall, give you a ball and chain
It’s not like me to be so mean
You’re all I wanted
Just let me hold you
Hold you
Like a hostage
Like a hostage

That She Is Now Me

I have a few goals for the year 2020 (which I am saddened isn’t anything like The Jetson’s as I had imagined it would be as a kid. )

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No robot maids or tiny spaceships replacing cars. I have a dog named Maya, not Astro. But that’s okay, perhaps 2040 will see all of that come to fruition and if God is willing, then I’ll be 65 and taking my used space-mobile to the doctors instead of my used Toyota.

I like things simple anyway.

Oh yes, my goals.

  1. I’m going to try to write (honestly again) more often simply because I miss it and it’s good for my mental health.
  2. I’m going to be a bit more selfish but in the nicest way possible because that’s just the way I roll.
  3. I am going to finally live my own life and do what I want to do. (Nude beach here I come!) Kidding!
  4. I am putting my condo on the market and moving, no matter what others think or say. I need to wipe the slate clean and start over somewhere new. A place that doesn’t hold any memories of asshat and where the condo association can’t bully me anymore.
  5. I’m going to take therapy as seriously as a gout attack. I have some major healing to do, yo.

As an aside with the condo and putting it up for sale:

Once the lien was removed back in March (after a long ass 5-year payment plan to get caught up from when I first got sick and couldn’t work) I was all pumped because that meant that nothing could stop me anymore from getting the hell outta here.

Well, unless you count an extremely ill mother who wasn’t so nice to me when I told her about my plans.

It’s taken me months of anguish and questioning myself to make my final decision, although the condo association sort of made the process easier for me by threatening to take away my beloved Maya back in November.

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Look at the love in her eyes.

Um, no. She isn’t vicious, you fucking assholes. She barks. Also, she is not a Pit Bull as the letter said, she’s an American Bulldog. She is my baby girl and it’ll be over my dead body that they’ll remove her from me.

So now I have her on a choke chain and a thick, expensive leash. Since I’m both of my pup’s main caretakers (the kid is rarely home) you can imagine how difficult this is for my chronic pain.

In and out. Stand there, watch them sniff the ground. It’s cold outside, hurry up. This happens every 2-3 hours and IT BLOWS.

I dream of having a fenced-in yard where they can run free and take a poo far away from my nostrils. I will happily cry when that day comes if God is willing.

My mom’s last say on the idea was that I’d be stupid to sell the condo and move. I had it made in the shade here.

Ouch. That really hurt but I was totally used to it, especially the last couple of years of her life.

Well, I suppose now I’m willing and not as scared to risk being a total dumbass. I don’t see why I should stay stuck in a place that feels constricting and where I’m not comfortable.

This isn’t my home. It was my prison for years and I loathe being here. I’m not being dramatic. It doesn’t even matter if I had the money to spruce the place up and bring it into the 21st century, fix my furnace and having a new central air unit installed.

Nor will any amount of sage or paint do the trick.

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I’m sorry mom. I love and miss you terribly but I need to do this for my own well-being. If the whole enchilada blows up in my face, then so be it.

I own the condo, the deed is solely in my name. The ex-hubby signed off on it years ago after he got into a car accident, in which he ended up being sued for $20,000.00. Even so, he had no interest in fighting me for his cut at the divorce hearing. All he wanted was Maya and boy did that piss off the female judge.

Well, that and bringing his fiance with him, but that just shows his lack of class and morals.

She’s my dog, you pansy-ass bitch of a sad excuse for a man.

Anyway, I’m tired of listening to the voice in my head that whispers, no Mer, you can’t do that.

Everybody else can, but you’re the exception to the rule.

I’ve been practicing so hard, telling that low murmur to stifle itself.

I can start over, I can have a redo. I will never get better in the house where I got sick. Why should I have to continue to feel imprisoned and left with the residue of an abusive marriage when I have the opportunity for something brand new?

Because it’s the safest thing to do, that was my ma’s angle. She was always trying to protect me and often went overboard with it. I feel as though she viewed me as quite delicate and not able to make logical, adult decisions.

But I don’t want to play it safe anymore, at least not when it comes to this. Like the Dixie Chicks sang:

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

That she is now me.

Stressed Out & Sad Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends who celebrate. I’ll be heading to my brother’s house soon myself.

This is my first major holiday without my mom and it’s…difficult.

I found this poem that helps a little bit.

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As for the stressed out, my boyfriend played this song for me and I’ve been mildly obsessed with it.

My codependent series will stop at 3 posts because I don’t want to do more.

I have some big news coming, I made a decision, which isn’t easy for me nowadays. I will update once it’s official.

Here’s the song, it’s new to me and not my usual genre, but I really dig it. (I’ve felt really old for the 1st time since I turned 45 back in August.)

Twenty One Pilots: Stressed Out 2015

I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new
I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang
I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think
My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think
My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
We’re stressed out
Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young
How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from
I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I’d probably only sell one
It’d be to my brother, ’cause we have the same nose
Same clothes homegrown a stone’s throw from a creek we used to roam
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered
Out of student loans and tree-house homes we all would take the latter
My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think
My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
We used to play pretend, give each other different names
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money”
Yeah
We used to play pretend, give each other different names
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money”
Yeah
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
We used to play pretend, give each other different names
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money”
Yeah