Check Yourself

There is great power in deciding not to react.

To stay quiet instead of speaking.

To allow your silence to speak for you.

To turning your face into a blank canvas, keeping your gaze indifferent to the chaos surrounding you.

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I’ve seriously been working on trying to keep my emotions from taking over my life, because I’ve been allowing precisely that since I was a kid. It’s no easy task either, since I’m an empath and naturally fucking programmed to this specific behavior. It seems the more that I get worked up over something, the harder it is to stop myself from having a full-blown anxiety attack.

The goal is to not get to that point of no return.

Or more simply put, you gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself.

check

Thank you, pissed off Ice Cube.

Because too much emotion is bad for your health.

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Time, time, time see what’s become of me…

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I’m one of those people who compulsively keeps track of the time.

It’s been 5 weeks since my mom died. 35 days have now passed since she embarked on her journey to heaven, no more pain and fear, anxiety or anger, the standard elements of the human condition.

I haven’t heard her voice in 33 days, except in a dream where she said I love you.

My final divorce hearing is a week from today and hopefully, I won’t ever have to see that piece of fuck ever again.

It’s going on almost 4 years since the horrific day I tried to kill myself.

In 55 days, I’ll turn 45 years old.

In 56 days, it’ll be 33 years since my dad died.

I’m not exactly sure why I’m wired to keep track of the time, I just am. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who does this. I really do have an obsessive nature, so perhaps that has something to do with it.


I signed up for a daily email from a site called Griefshare. Each day, it gives me something to expect to experience while grieving, a bible verse and then a prayer.

Ecclesiastes 3  

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.


There’s also a grief support group starting up at a church near me on August 3rd (13 weekly sessions) and I am planning on attending it.

After the fiasco with my last therapist, I’m skeptical to try that route again, my trust has been shattered.

Meanwhile, I’m just trying to keep on keeping on.

Supermarket Flowers

I’ll write soon, but for now I’d like to share this song that my daughter introduced me to by Ed Sheeran.


I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill
I threw the day old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Matthew had made
Memories of a life that’s been loved
Took the get well soon cards and stuffed animals
Poured the old ginger beer down the sink
Dad always told me, “don’t you cry when you’re down”
But mum, there’s a tear every time that I blink
Oh I’m in pieces, it’s tearing me up, but I know
A heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved
So I’ll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you’d be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we’ll say Hallelujah
You’re home
I fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case
John says he’d drive then put his hand on my cheek
And wiped a tear from the side of my face
I hope that I see the world as you did cause I know
A life with love is a life that’s been lived
So I’ll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you’d be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back we’ll say Hallelujah
You’re home
Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings
And I know that when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You’re home