Just Sprinkle Me Into Lake Erie

I’ve found a few interesting things that I apparently still own while going through my crap, like this little retro gem, my high school ID card, from my senior year.

87270599_193761438536604_4595566744172494848_n

She’s only 17…

What the hell was up with my bangs? And don’t even get me started on those glasses…

Packing 10 years’ worth of accumulated stuff is hard work. I have more trash than I anticipated and all of it is going onto the tree lawn tomorrow evening for bulk pick-up. We got a couple of strong guys to help us out. The one kid from B’s work said that he wouldn’t take any money from us, which is awfully darn sweet of him.

We’ll have about $400 dollars left when all is said and done. As much as I was hoping for more, what’s really important is that we were able to find a decent place that we both love and somehow, we’ll figure out the finances. My 23-year old daughter has better credit than me, so if we need to use her credit card to pay the movers, then that’s what we’ll have to do. I’ve tried everything, all in vain. I cannot get a loan or a credit card because of what they call a “thin file.”

Once I get settled, I’ll look into obtaining a secured credit card and attempt to start all over again.

I’m rather adept at that, figuring that I’ve had to do it so many times that I’ve lost count.

So, it’s been utter chaos around here. My poor dogs are freaking. I keep telling them that it’ll all be okay and soon, God willing and hopefully, they’ll finally have their own yard to poo and piddle in.

I just wish that they could understand.


Back when I was still working, I tried one of the only 3 medications approved to treat fibro, a medicine called Lyrica. Since I had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn (4:30 am) I had to quit taking it because it was difficult to get myself up so early. (Lyrica has some hang time.)

But my pain has been ridiculous lately, so bad that I’ve considered buying a saw so I could cut off my legs.

stanley-hand-saws-20-045-64_1000

Fat Max to the rescue!

So last week, I asked my doc if I could try this med again but at the lowest dose.

You guys…my pain levels have decreased by at least 40%. I am overjoyed, thrilled, shocked…you name it. The way B and I busted ass yesterday packing, I’d normally be a waste of space today and at a level 8 on that stupid, useless pain scale but instead, I’m hovering around a 4!

No nasty side effects either. It’s a freaking miracle. I just hope that it keeps working. It’s no cure but shit, I’ll take it.

Cutting off my legs could get pretty fucking messy, eh?


I was sitting in the car last Saturday morning waiting for my realtor so he could show my brother the new house. We had gotten there early and the realtor dude was running behind, so my bro and I got to talking. It’s rare that we have one on one time.

I mentioned that I wanted to write a will and he agreed that it was a good idea.

Me: I’m leaving all of my earthly possessions to the kid. Also, I don’t want a funeral, I want one of those celebrations of life things. Play a few songs, eat, get drunk, you know, share stories about how awesome I was.

Brother: Ah, okay. Cheaper, for sure.

Me: Yes. Also, I want to be cremated and my ashes spread at Lakewood Park, I got lots of good childhood memories there.

Brother: That’s illegal.

Me: So? People do it all of the time, just keep it on the down-low.

Brother: Where do you want your ashes spread? In the sandbox?

Me: Oh shit, can you imagine? Some little kid comes and says mommy, I found a piece of bone in the sand!

sandbox

Mommy, Timmy found a femur!

Brother: Ha! Traumatize the kid for life.

Me: Eh, just sprinkle me into Lake Erie or behind some bushes.

Brother: Okay, you got it.

We both laughed. He has the same twisted sense of humor as I do, which makes me happy.

I failed to mention to him the songs that I want to be played at my celebration of life thingy.

The other two are Amazing Grace and Bridge Over Troubled Water.

A little bit rock and roll, a little bit religious and a little bit sad.

New Music To My Ears

I consider myself a bit of a music buff but when it comes to new music, I usually have no freaking clue who any of these solo artists and bands are.

I think it’s one of those old people phenomenon things.

Yet every once in a blue moon my daughter will introduce me to something that I really like. Then I’ll spend a considerable amount of time on YouTube listening to every song of the artist/band that I can dig up.

My most recent find is an extremely young and (I think) talented girl named Billie Eilish. Her voice is whisper-like and haunting, some of her videos are akin to watching a horror movie, plus they’re downright depressing.

She draws out my inner sad woman which probably isn’t a great thing but I do like to indulge that side of myself sometimes. I’ve read that people call her genre gothic romance which I didn’t realize was something that even existed.

I mean, you can listen to 80’s music over and over again for only so long before you start craving Aquanet and rotary phones.

82874271_2837957346256830_8857229154362327040_n

No wonder my back hurts so badly now in my elder years…

I’ve missed doing my random music posts so…here we are.

This song is my favorite from Billie Eilish but I do recommend checking out her other tunes as well.


Billie Eilish – Hostage

I wanna be alone
Alone with you – does that make sense?
I wanna steal your soul
And hide you in my treasure chest
I don’t know what to do
To do with your kiss on my neck
I don’t know what feels true
But this feels right so stay a sec
Yeah, you feel right so stay a sec
And let me crawl inside your veins
I’ll build a wall, give you a ball and chain
It’s not like me to be so mean
You’re all I wanted
Just let me hold you
Like a hostage
Gold on your fingertips
Fingertips against my cheek
Gold leaf across your lips
Kiss me until I can’t speak
Gold chain beneath your shirt
The shirt that you let me wear home
Gold’s fake and real love hurts
And nothing hurts when I’m alone
When you’re with me and we’re alone
And let me crawl inside your veins
I’ll build a wall, give you a ball and chain
It’s not like me to be so mean
You’re all I wanted
Just let me hold you
Hold you
Like a hostage
Like a hostage

Stressed Out & Sad Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends who celebrate. I’ll be heading to my brother’s house soon myself.

This is my first major holiday without my mom and it’s…difficult.

I found this poem that helps a little bit.

77122759_162389088340506_419758140364423168_n


As for the stressed out, my boyfriend played this song for me and I’ve been mildly obsessed with it.

My codependent series will stop at 3 posts because I don’t want to do more.

I have some big news coming, I made a decision, which isn’t easy for me nowadays. I will update once it’s official.

Here’s the song, it’s new to me and not my usual genre, but I really dig it. (I’ve felt really old for the 1st time since I turned 45 back in August.)

Twenty One Pilots: Stressed Out 2015

I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new
I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang
I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think
My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think
My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
We’re stressed out
Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young
How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from
I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I’d probably only sell one
It’d be to my brother, ’cause we have the same nose
Same clothes homegrown a stone’s throw from a creek we used to roam
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered
Out of student loans and tree-house homes we all would take the latter
My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think
My name’s Blurryface and I care what you think
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
We used to play pretend, give each other different names
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money”
Yeah
We used to play pretend, give each other different names
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money”
Yeah
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out
Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
We used to play pretend, give each other different names
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money”
Yeah