Knowing Him Now For Who He Really Is

I think the realization of why asshat went totally berserk with the abuse and cheating hit me hardest the day that I received the divorce papers.

One of the last things that he said to me was a clear indication and I’ll never forget the look on his face when he said it, almost regretful. (Not quite, just almost.)

“I missed the way you used to be.”

Ah ha! Before I got knocked over by a feather.

He missed healthy Merry. The woman who had her shit together, a mostly upbeat, energetic, humorous person, who could bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. He wanted his old Merry back, the one who didn’t cry constantly or think about killing herself, the person who didn’t sleep during the day. The person who could walk long distances without needing someone to push her in a transport chair. The human who wasn’t always in pain, who didn’t stare into space with a brain full of fogginess and fear, who didn’t have constant panic attacks.

That was his excuse…and for someone as empty as him, that was all of the fuel that he required for doing so many despicable things, especially leaving me in the ER after my suicide attempt in the summer of 2015 so that he could go fuck his whore.

Imagine that, if you can. There you are, puking liquid charcoal into a garbage can all alone, wondering why your husband/wife decided that you weren’t worthy enough of their love and support during such a frightening and lonely time in your life.

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No hand to hold, nobody to wipe your tears away…

As if I had asked to become sick, having no other choice but to quit working and apply for disability at the age of 37.

He always fucking knew that I had depression and fibromyalgia. I told him everything about me when we first met in 2002, only a few months after I left my first abuser, my now 22-year-old daughters father. It wasn’t like I had tried to hide it from him. He knew the risks of being with me. I had been an open book, candid along with my signature humor that I’ve always strived to use in order to lighten up unpleasant circumstances.

My 2nd anniversary of Discovery Day is coming up on July 31st. I’ve come a long way since that soul-crushing day and I have no plans on ever wishing him well on the rest of his journey here on earth. It wouldn’t be Christian of me to wish him pestilence, however I do hope that he never gets a full nights rest ever again.

Although knowing him now for who he really is, I bet he eats his hot wings, then falls right to sleep like a baby who had just been fed his bottle and gently burped.

How nice it must be to have no morals, conscience or self-realization. I’m not perfect by a longshot, but at least I have those three things going for me.

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Hallelujah

I know that I was supposed to post a song yesterday to go with my whole theme this week of my current mindset. (That cheaters never win and that they suck monkey balls.)

Well…it’s also a very sad and despondent life experience that I do not recommend. I cannot tell you how many times I listened to this song last year, with brokenhearted, hot tears running down my cheeks.

(I’ve probably posted this song before.)

But back to yesterday, life happened. I had to go to the dentist to finally get some soft liners on my new chompers (little gum pillows) and then other stuff since the weather was so nice. I always do this to myself, I overdo it when I’m feeling somewhat like a healthy human being and then boom.

I also do not schedule posts. I never have in almost 7 years and I doubt that I ever will.

So I shall just skip yesterday’s little ditty and pick up today where I left off.

Cool?

Cool.


Hallelujah by Pentatonix  2016

I’d heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to the kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips, she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well baby, I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it’s not a cry that you hear at night
It’s not somebody who’s seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Before He Cheats

Obviously, since I’m a delicate flower and wouldn’t survive a stint in jail, I’ve never taken a bat to anyone’s car.

I’ve contemplated it, though. I’ve thought of many complicated revenge scenarios that I’ll never be able to follow through with (for the above reason.)

Not to mention that I have more class than that.

Not saying that Ms. Underwood isn’t classy, but her song “Before He Cheats” truly expresses the anger and anguish when you find out that your significant other is messing around with some filthy…

I’ll leave it to you guys to fill in the blanks…but might I give you a few monikers for consideration:

Skank

Hussy

Hoe

Home Wrecker 

Remember…it takes two to tango and shatter lives.


Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood    2005

Right now, he’s probably slow dancing
With a bleached-blond tramp
And she’s probably getting frisky
Right now, he’s probably buying
Her some fruity little drink
‘Cause she can’t shoot whiskey
Right now, he’s probably up behind her
With a pool-stick
Showing her how to shoot a combo
And he don’t know
I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
I slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats
Right now, she’s probably up singing some
White-trash version of Shania karaoke
Right now, she’s probably saying “I’m drunk”
And he’s a-thinking that he’s gonna get lucky
Right now, he’s probably
Dabbing on three dollars
Worth of that bathroom Polo
Oh, and he don’t know
That I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
I slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats
I might have saved a little trouble for the next girl
‘Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won’t be on me!
No, not on me
‘Cause I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
I slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats
Oh, maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats
Oh, before he cheats
Oh