Kissing 101

Can you tell me what is wrong with this picture?

blowme

In case you need assistance, I will point it out for you. This man, though quite handsome, is an idiot.

Speaking from my own personal standpoint, that dude would have gotten a snowball shoved up his ass if he had tried to pull that blatant demand for selfishness with moi.

I can say this now, because sadly it has happened to me.

I know, awful huh?

Let’s skip the foreplay, baby. Now get down there, you know you want to.

Ladies, I will give you a minute to stop laughing.

My ex was the anti-foreplay king. I was lucky if I got a boob tweak. He didn’t kiss me, claiming to be tongue-tied. (The lamest excuse I have ever heard.) So for the close to 7 years that I was with him, there was absolutely no lip locks to be had. (Not that I really had much desire as the relationship progressed, but that is not the point.)

I’ll give you tongue-tied, you son of a bitch.

Oppsie, sorry about that.

It’s too bad that they don’t have a class in high school that teaches men how to kiss properly. (For us woman, it comes naturally.)

1.Each guy gets a pillow to practice on.

Muah!

2. Check mouth for excess spittle, cause gross.

3. At the same time, make sure there is some moisture to be had. This is very important, because a dry mouth is an un-kissable one.

4. The tongue is used as an accessory, not a probe. If you want to know what we ate for our afternoon snack, just ask. We woman love to talk and share, remember.

5. Keep your eyes open long enough to actually find the pair of lips that you are leaning in for the kill for.

6. Let us do some of the work once in a while. We don’t mind pitching in.

7. Slow down, you move too fast. You gotta make the moment last.

8. Don’t over nibble. The taste of copper pennies is not a turn on, unless you are a vampire. (Sans the sparkles.)

9. You can still breathe from your mouth. Excessive use of the nose for oxygen intake might jar loose a booger.

10. Please don’t belch. Just choke it back.

No need for thanks, gentleman. Just pay it forward.

Ladies, you’re very welcome.

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