Why the Hell Did I Walk Into the Kitchen??

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ES’s 6th Annual Contest of Whatever

Being the natural-born procrastinator that I am, here’s my almost too late submission for my longtime blog friend ES and hisĀ Evil Squirrels Six Annual Contest of Whatever.

This years theme is…”a squirrel walks into a bar…”

Ahem…

Meet Norbert.

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Hello there, bitches.

Norbert was having one hell of a day. First, he got fired from his job as a professional dog agitator. Then, upon his arrival home, he was met at the front door by his wife, who had a suitcase in her claws.

“Norbert, I just found out on Facebook that you lost your job!! I’m going to mothers house!”

“What the actual fuck? I hate social media!”

To make matters worse, his cable and internet were down for repairs.

“Now what should I do?” asked Norbert, all alone and despondent.

Ah yes, the bar down the branch! Where nobody knew his name. He could order himself a cold Guinness and drown his sorrows, just like his papa did (who was a rolling stone his ma had always said) back in the day.

So, Norbert the squirrel walked into the bar, ironically named “The Nutty Pluck.”

He decided not to sit at the bar, but within close proximity to the booze. He wanted some privacy, just in case he lost his shit and started crying, cause’ everybody knows that big squirrels don’t cry.

He took a gigantic gulp of his beer and belched so loudly, it startled a pretty female squirrel a few feet away, who turned to look at him. They accidentally (for Norbert at least) made beady black eye contact and she smiled seductively.

Much to Norbert’s surprise and dismay, she started to climb towards him. Since he suffered from social anxiety, his fluffy tail began to sweat profusely.

“Hey there, would you like some company?” she asked Norbert, giving him a wink.

“Um, no thanks, you see…sigh…I am just a lowly squirrel living in a lonely world.”

Taken aback, as she wasn’t used to being rejected, she got angry at Norbert.

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Stella the Squirrel. A sexy squirrel gone amok.

“Well then, screw you!”

She turned on her hind leg, quickly becoming swallowed up by the large crowd of revelers.

Once she was far enough away, Norbert let out a massive sigh of relief and dried off his tail.

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After about 5 more beers, Norbert was highly intoxicated. He started to stagger towards the front door of “The Nutty Pluck” when he suddenly felt something heavy bop him on his little furry noggin.

“What do you think of him, Ricky?”

The female squirrels voice started to wake him from his stupor. She was pointing at Norbert, who lay on the ground underneath his tree.

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Poor, hapless Norbert.

He was starting to think that he should have just took a fucking nap instead of going out to get sloshed, but it was too late now, cause’ this shit was happening.

A giant ass raccoon appeared right above Norbert.

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Ricky the Raccoon, rotten, but with a tender side.

“He looks like a real winner, Stella.”

Norbert tried to sit up, but the raccoon held him down with his substantially larger body.

“You ain’t going anywhere, asshat.”

Stella laughed criminally and flipped Norbert the middle finger.

“I didn’t do anything to her!” Norbert stammered, trying to defend himself.

“Right, you didn’t. Hurt her feelings a little.” The raccoon chuckled and then pulled a switch blade knife out of seemingly nowhere. He put it right flush against his wee little neck.

Norbert’s whole life passed before his eyes.

It had been a decent life, he figured. He’d eaten his fair share of nuts and dodged many a car while crossing the road. He just sucked at keeping a job (fucking stupid dogs!) and if he was being honest with himself, his wife was a nasty meanie head.

“JUST DO IT ALREADY!!” he screamed somewhat incoherently at Ricky the Raccoon, finally losing his shit.

Stella and Ricky both looked at each other in amazement.

“Well, he’s no fun,” said Stella, seemingly disappointed.

“You’re right Stella, he’s making this way too fucking easy,” said Ricky, astonished. He looked down at Norbert and then moved so that he could help him up off the filthy ground.

“No hard feelings, chump. You’re the most boring victim Stella has ever found for us. You’re free to go.”

Stella rolled her eyes. “Maybe we’ll have better luck in Acornville. This one seemed perfect, Ricky, I swear. Scared of his own shadow!”

Norbert was now standing and holding his pounding, lightly bleeding head.

“So wait…you guys are just letting me go?” Norbert asked, confused.

Ricky made a sweeping motion with his paw.

“Go now before I change my mind, you lucky bastard.”

Norbert didn’t look back, he just scurried the fuck outta there.

————————————————————————————————-

Once he got back to his empty nest, it really occurred to him that he had just escaped being murdered by two insane rodents. It made his job loss and losing his unpleasantly toxic wife seem less shitty by comparison.

On a whim, he started to pack up his few belongings. It was time for him to move on to higher trees.

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Maybe north or south, he wasn’t sure. But he did know two things.

He’d never walk into a bar ever again.

And he wasn’t going anywhere near Acornville.

The End