I’ve had poor self-esteem since I was a kid. It hasn’t really gotten much better over the years. My new therapist pointed it out the first time we met back in December.
“That’s something we need to work on.”
Yes, just one of many things to take a closer look at. But if the many therapists I’ve had (and I mean, many) haven’t been able to plump up my self-worth, then I truly wonder if she’ll be able to fix this chronic problem of mine.
“You need to get your power back.”
When she says shit like this, I nod in agreement but deep down I’m shrugging and rolling my eyes.
What the almighty fuck is my power?
I’m always questioning myself and wondering if I’m doing this right (“this” meaning life in general.)
I think I’ve mentioned that I recently put my condo up for sale and last week we snagged us a buyer. Sadly, my once-beloved home turned hateful prison isn’t worth what I had hoped for.
The proposed deal has us needing to find a new house and moved in by March 4th.
My daughter and I excitedly went house hunting this past Monday. The first two were absolutely gross and unlivable. (We have like $47-$48k to work with.)
The 3rd house that we lovingly nicknamed “yellow house” was perfect and my realtor said that he’d put an offer in but it was a longshot.
The 4th house was a no-go although he seemed a bit put off by the fact that we disliked it. We needed an “option B.”
Well, this one ain’t an option, dude.
Monday evening he emailed me a bunch of papers to virtually sign. Because we’re not fluent in legalese and he’s not the best communicator, my daughter and I thought that we got the house. I went on Facebook to share the great news with everyone.
But the following morning, when I realized that I hadn’t received a call from him, I found out that I had only signed the offer.
Now here’s where my shitty self-esteem comes in to play.
Aha, there is a method to my madness!
I instantly decided that I’m an idiot and that my mom was correct; I am stupid.
Stupid for even thinking that I could sell this place and get a redo.
I felt (still do) like a damn fool for sharing the good news that wasn’t yet mine to share.
This morning there is still no word from my realtor, my daughter and I are about to give it up, plus I’m just fucking exhausted.
Deep down in my soul tired.
It doesn’t seem to matter what I try to do. Even when I decide that I’m gonna get my power back, the electricity always starts to spark.
And yet again I am left in the dark.
Sorry about not replying back to comments. I’m not doing so hot right now.