Damn Vibes

My realtor irks the shit outta me and I cannot wait until all of this is over so the only interaction I have with him is a Christmas card every year.

I’m supposed to be moving “on or around March 5th.”

We’re basically all packed up and ready to go, except for the last minute stuff. I emailed him on Saturday and he said that he’d be reaching out to everyone on Monday. Here’s a snippet from the actual email:

Everyone’s contract says “on or about March 5th.” 

I will not know for sure until we are closer. I will reach out to all Monday and see where we are with schedules.

I replied and said, okie dokie.

Well, it’s fucking Tuesday.

He gets all irritated, huffy and puffy with me and I swear that it’s not paranoia creeping into my cranium.

The guy just doesn’t like me. I can tell, I have special powers that are able to read the vibes that radiate from people.

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Mutha fucka, I need a Xanax!

I have awful anxiety issues, as you guys are quite aware of. I think this makes him uncomfortable or something, like, oh shit, why did I take this in need of a major rehab, small commission, condo job? The owner is a certified nutcase.

I have papers to prove it.

Also, it’s because I’m a divorced woman. If I had a husband, things would be different. When he met with my brother, they shook hands and spoke man-talk. Look at how nice this hot water tank is!

And I’m all excited about the backsplash in the kitchen.

He also doesn’t care much for my daughter, she also has that special vibe catching power.

She knows it, I know it and he knows that we know it.

All we’re waiting for is for the buyer to pay up for my condo, so I can pay for the house. (I honestly have no clue how any of this works.)

What if the deal falls through?

I still can’t get myself to feel more excited because (insert anxiety here.)

We were told to be ready to vacate the condo by March 5th. We’ve done what we were told and now I wait, extremely impatiently, for him to fucking call me.

So I can call utility companies, hire the movers and start to count down the days.

I should probably call him and be like, what the fuck, man? What’s your major malfunction not communicating with me?

I mean, geez ass.

But my anxiety keeps me from picking up my phone. Honestly, you guys, I really miss my mom so damn bad. This Friday would’ve been her 75th birthday and I feel this heavy cloak of sadness draped across my shoulders.

I want to call her. I want her to tell me to just be patient and that it’ll all work out just fine.

My boyfriend took me to the cemetery this past Saturday. We go about once a month. I buy dollar store flowers because I hate to visit empty-handed. I talk to both of my parents, not just my mother. Steven also talks to them. Then we’re silent for a few minutes while we pray.

I’ll tell you, asshat would’ve never done that shit with me. He probably would’ve stayed in the car.

I absolutely hate having anxiety and the entire “vibe” thing. I’m getting better slowly when it comes to uncomfortable situations like this but damn it anyway.


Update:

There are four transactions for the deal to be done, waiting on a loan officer to get back into town tomorrow, he’s waiting on that, so we just need to be patient and shit. But he said that he’s working on it and once the final piece of the puzzle is in place, we are good to go.

That She Is Now Me

I have a few goals for the year 2020 (which I am saddened isn’t anything like The Jetson’s as I had imagined it would be as a kid. )

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No robot maids or tiny spaceships replacing cars. I have a dog named Maya, not Astro. But that’s okay, perhaps 2040 will see all of that come to fruition and if God is willing, then I’ll be 65 and taking my used space-mobile to the doctors instead of my used Toyota.

I like things simple anyway.

Oh yes, my goals.

  1. I’m going to try to write (honestly again) more often simply because I miss it and it’s good for my mental health.
  2. I’m going to be a bit more selfish but in the nicest way possible because that’s just the way I roll.
  3. I am going to finally live my own life and do what I want to do. (Nude beach here I come!) Kidding!
  4. I am putting my condo on the market and moving, no matter what others think or say. I need to wipe the slate clean and start over somewhere new. A place that doesn’t hold any memories of asshat and where the condo association can’t bully me anymore.
  5. I’m going to take therapy as seriously as a gout attack. I have some major healing to do, yo.

As an aside with the condo and putting it up for sale:

Once the lien was removed back in March (after a long ass 5-year payment plan to get caught up from when I first got sick and couldn’t work) I was all pumped because that meant that nothing could stop me anymore from getting the hell outta here.

Well, unless you count an extremely ill mother who wasn’t so nice to me when I told her about my plans.

It’s taken me months of anguish and questioning myself to make my final decision, although the condo association sort of made the process easier for me by threatening to take away my beloved Maya back in November.

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Look at the love in her eyes.

Um, no. She isn’t vicious, you fucking assholes. She barks. Also, she is not a Pit Bull as the letter said, she’s an American Bulldog. She is my baby girl and it’ll be over my dead body that they’ll remove her from me.

So now I have her on a choke chain and a thick, expensive leash. Since I’m both of my pup’s main caretakers (the kid is rarely home) you can imagine how difficult this is for my chronic pain.

In and out. Stand there, watch them sniff the ground. It’s cold outside, hurry up. This happens every 2-3 hours and IT BLOWS.

I dream of having a fenced-in yard where they can run free and take a poo far away from my nostrils. I will happily cry when that day comes if God is willing.

My mom’s last say on the idea was that I’d be stupid to sell the condo and move. I had it made in the shade here.

Ouch. That really hurt but I was totally used to it, especially the last couple of years of her life.

Well, I suppose now I’m willing and not as scared to risk being a total dumbass. I don’t see why I should stay stuck in a place that feels constricting and where I’m not comfortable.

This isn’t my home. It was my prison for years and I loathe being here. I’m not being dramatic. It doesn’t even matter if I had the money to spruce the place up and bring it into the 21st century, fix my furnace and having a new central air unit installed.

Nor will any amount of sage or paint do the trick.

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I’m sorry mom. I love and miss you terribly but I need to do this for my own well-being. If the whole enchilada blows up in my face, then so be it.

I own the condo, the deed is solely in my name. The ex-hubby signed off on it years ago after he got into a car accident, in which he ended up being sued for $20,000.00. Even so, he had no interest in fighting me for his cut at the divorce hearing. All he wanted was Maya and boy did that piss off the female judge.

Well, that and bringing his fiance with him, but that just shows his lack of class and morals.

She’s my dog, you pansy-ass bitch of a sad excuse for a man.

Anyway, I’m tired of listening to the voice in my head that whispers, no Mer, you can’t do that.

Everybody else can, but you’re the exception to the rule.

I’ve been practicing so hard, telling that low murmur to stifle itself.

I can start over, I can have a redo. I will never get better in the house where I got sick. Why should I have to continue to feel imprisoned and left with the residue of an abusive marriage when I have the opportunity for something brand new?

Because it’s the safest thing to do, that was my ma’s angle. She was always trying to protect me and often went overboard with it. I feel as though she viewed me as quite delicate and not able to make logical, adult decisions.

But I don’t want to play it safe anymore, at least not when it comes to this. Like the Dixie Chicks sang:

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

That she is now me.